Back in the saddle

I often see abandoned blogs and think, "How sad. I wonder what happened that made this blogger stop blogging." I don't have to wonder anymore, because I am that blogger. I am that person who stopped mid blog.

What happened though was not sad, it was life. Life kept going, life got busy, too busy to sit down and write to stangers about it. Life got in the way of my blog...or did it? For many years, hundreds, no thousands, of years life did not get in the way of blogging, but it seems as if now, in 2015, maybe blogging gets in the way of life. We are so caught up in blogging and texting and facebooking that we have forgotten to live for living, we have replaced it with living to social media.

I'm not pointing fingers, because I'm the first one who will admit to spending more time than I should on the computer. It's the society we have become. We FB or instagram our kids pictures, their funny quotes, our frustrations with life. We play games on our phones. We text our friends more often than we speak to them. We don't interact like we used to, dinners are now a family seated, heads down, fingers running faster than we ever could, looking up occassionally to see if our food has arrived from a waiter who was just checking his phone before checking the window to see if our order was up. We now communicate through a 2inx6in box.

On the flip side of the coin, I now stay in contact with friends from highschool, former co-workers and distant family that without social media I would not have stayed in contact with before. We get to see pictures of their kids, hear how things are going, celebrate highs and comfort during lows. My high school class did not have a reunion yet, but in many ways I don't feel we have to spend a small fortune on 1 night out when we have FB to keep in touch. I can post pictures knowing my or my husband aunts can see the kids, keep up with us from half a country away.


So what does this mean.....Social media isn't going anywhere. Neither am I. I'll be back to give another update on my family....when time permits, because I am trying to be more present and less of a screen to my kids...to be their mom first and a blogger/facebooker second. I'll let you know how that works out.

They say I need to breathe, but I am hyperventalating

Summer has passed and it has been awhile since I have posted. My summer was spent with my boys, trying to keep them from getting bored, which in turn would have turned me crazy (I know, I don't have far to go!). We went to OBX for a week, CT for 5 days, then back to CT for another night. We played with friends, we woke up late, didn't get dressed some days, went shopping, we watched movies, we cleaned, we grew. All the while Randy and I were battling the school district to get Cody the help he so NEEDS. At the end of last year we had requested an outside evaluation after their orginal eval came back stating he didn't meet critera for any services. They denied the outside eval, so we contacted a lawyer who does special ed law and fought them. The price was high (they take $5,000 up front), the tears, frustration, the worry if it will all work out the way we need it to....the way Cody needs it to. I am happy to say we have 'settled' with the district, and are in the process of getting an outside eval for Cody. While all of this is going on my baby has grown into a toddler. A toddler who does not talk. AT 15 months old Casey says "hi" that is all. He babbles, but no words. Many people try to reassure me and give me excuses as to why he is not speaking "His brothers speak for him" is the biggest one, but as a mom who never thought there was anything seriously wrong with Cody, I am getting a pit in my stomach with the thought that I may have another ASD child on my hands. I am trying to breathe through it, take it day by day. But then we have a bad day and I feel like I am hyperventalating. I'm not sure I can give one ASD child the things he needs, let alone 2. I sit here and wonder "Why me, why my children" Have I not been through enough, why should they have to deal with anything. It's not fair. But then again a lot of other things aren't fair....cancer is not fair, babies born with heart defects is not fair, a mothering surviving her child is not fair. I try to breathe, but sometimes I find myself hyperventalating, but I look around and all that I do have and all that I CAN do and my breathing slows. That's not to say it won't speed up again, but for now it has slowed.

Boring updates

I feel like this has become the 'Fight for Cody' Blog, so I thought I would just give some random updates on everyone. Randy and I just celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. There were so many people who bet (literally) that we would not make it this far that to have come all this way makes me SO proud. Growing up I really didn't have a great example of how a marriage should work. Dad is on wife #4 and mom has been divorced 3 times, my amazing grandparents were married over 50 years, but for some reason I never looked at their marriage as work. So, based on my parents marriages I knew what a marriage WASN'T supposed to be, so really my only other example was TV, which set me up for a RUDE awakening! Life is not a tv show, problems don't get resolved and forgotten about in a half hour. A marriage is hard work. It's a lot of give and take and a lot more give. But I am proud to say our marraige is stronger than it ever has been...so take that haters! May 30th Randy had gastric bypass. He has struggled with his weight since before I met him (although he was his skinniest when we met) and his health was starting to pay the price. He was 37 and diabetic, with high cholesterol and high blood pressure, so basically I was a widow in waiting unless something changed. In November he went to a information session on it and slowly did the doctor appointments, support group meetings, education sessions and so on so he would qualify for his surgery. So far he is down almost 50 lbs...not just from the surgery but from some life changes he made before. I am so proud of him. He does get frustrated at times with the small amounts he is able to now eat (just 1/4 cup a meal) but he did this so he can be a better father and husband and I couldn't be prouder. Shane...my little lolli-pop. After tomorrow he will be a second grader. WHAT!!! When did that happen. He is SO smart and that is not me mom-bragging, the kid is really bright! I hope this continues and he becomes a doctor or some other high paying job so he can take care of mommy when she retires!!!! (but in all seriousness, I just hope he grows up healthy and happy, if he does, I did my job!). He is looking forward to playing soccer in the fall, which reminds me I need to send them a check! Cody...he has been the topic of many posts lately, but they are usually about his ASD and I can't allow his diagnosis to define who he is. He is a child, a boy, my son, a sweet, compassionate kid who loves animals and his baby brother. He will be starting 3rd grade in the fall and hopefully will have a smooth year. Casey...my baby. My sweet little baby is already a year old. I could cry just typing that out. He is changing and discovering new things each day, doing new little 'tricks' (the latest is to shake his head no really fast when you ask him 'who's crazy'). He is overall a happy boy who is STILL not sleeping through the night, but as I tell everyone, 'he's my baby' which seems to be my answer for everything when it comes to him! Me....ugh. Life is always hectic for me. This past Monday I had A wisdom tooth removed and now have a face that looks like someone punched me in the jaw. It could be worse, but it just seems like when I do something I do it BIG! I am still working weekends, and for the most part enjoy it, esp with some of the recent changes the agency has made (weekend nurses are basically untouched). I have also been picking up extra hours at the hospital again, working in oncology. Working the 2 are totally different, but each have their pros and cons, and generally make me grateful every time I work. I have so much to be thankful for, that even when I am bitching, I know there are so many who have it so much worse than me. As of tomorrow the kids are done with school, which means it me and the 3 boys home all week. Last summer flew by with vacations and such and I imagine this summer will follow suit. With the added benefit of pinterest and a great neighbor/friend (who is crazy/brave enough to go with on an overnight with all 5 of our kids) I think we will have a pretty awesome summer. I'm sure you'll hear all about it!

Cha-Cha-Changes

Recently we have found out that Cody's ped psychiatrist will be leaving the hospital that I work for. My 1st thought was "Just wonderful, we finally have answers and now the one person who will help us is leaving." However, after our last appointment we found out that yes she is leaving the hospital system, she does plan on staying in the area. Phew. She is not sure where she is going just yet, but told me to call in Aug and they will have to tell me (and if they don't, that is what Google is for!). She placed a check next to Cody's name (she has a master patient list, some she is willing to keep, others she will discharge to another doctor) becuase as she has said, "I LOVE my Aspergers kids, they are so sweet. If I had a practice of all Aspies I would be a happy doctor!" One problem with her moving out of the network I work for, is that my insurance will only cover in network doctors (even though there are now no ped psychiatists). In thinking about it, she is that good that if need be we would pay cash (it would be hard, but Cody is worth it). Several people told me due to his diagnosis he may qualify for medical assitance. In the past I would brush it off. I have health insurance, why or how would he qualify for medical assistance? But this past week at his therapy apptointment his therapist suggested it and said it would most likely cover his copays for her (only $15 a visit, but still), his meds (again not htat much, but things are still changing) and should his dr go out of network, his doctor. At that point the heavens opened and I could hear angels singing. SOmeone also mentioned that it may help him get an ICM (intensive case manager) or an advocate which will be helpful for IEP meetings (that is a totally different issue, in which we have to go to court in August over). Therefore, tonight I spent the last hour filling out the online medical assistance application. I still have to mail in copies of a whole lot of crap that I will need to search for, but at least it is a step in that direction. I look at the Autism Speaks website and other sites and find TOO much info, it is all jsut so overwhelming. I don't know where to start. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in the sea of information that is out there for ASD. Sometimes I feel like a failure as a parent because my kid has to struggle so much, but really compared to other kids, his struggles are minor. Last night we were at a local baseball team game with a bunch of people from my work. We cut the evening short when Cody went into full meltdown over losing a toy I told him NOT to bring, which only got worse when we passed the gift shop and I would not let him get an overpriced stuffed toy (which he is allergic to anyway). Of course, when in public, when Cody starts to have a meltdown, so does my husband who is still trying to understand Cody's diagnosis. But by the time we got to the car, Cody had stopped crying, the meltdown had passed with the help of some deep breathing and soft voices (on mommy's part). It really was only about a half hour of a meltdown, and the storm passed and today was a new day that made me even prouder of my little man. He had to have dental work done and did AMAZING. The dr and the assistant made a point to come out and tell me how great he did, that most kids were never that good, let alone kids with special needs. Proud Mommy moment.

Reminder

Today is Autism Awareness day. In years past this day meant very little to me. I have friends who have children who have Autism, but I was really unaffected by it. That is until Cody was diagnosed. On the grand scale of things, Cody has 'mild' Autism (aspergers) and functions pretty much as most 8 year olds do. But some days are worse than others, and today was one of them. Nothing I can point to and say this is why he had a bad day, just little things that add up.

A trip to the grocery store with 3 children in tow would be a challenge for any mother. Add to the mix a child with issues and that challenge has just been upgraded to a minor disaster. Each time I would have to speak to Cody (all while keeping my cool) I could feel the stares of the other shoppers, each time he was shouting or running or acting up I could see the shaking of their heads. I could hear their thoughts, their wonder in how a mother couldn't control her child, how the future of the world is doomed because mothers won't discipline their children. The judgement.

I wanted to shout "I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER, HE HAS AUTISM" but didn't. My parenting skills are none of their business. My son's diagnosis is none of their business. I owe no explanations. I know I am not a bad mother, but sometimes just need a reminder. Today was a reminder day.

Recharging the Batteries

Recently I have felt as if my batteries were running close to empty. My husband goes out every Monday night to the firehouse which has been hard for me. I work 12 hour days over the course of the weekend and when Monday rolls around I feel as if I have very little to give, I am tired and usually have somekind of paper work to do, or gorceries to restock or a doctors appointment, then I pick the kids up from school and have them all to myself for the remainder of the night. Some nights it's nice as I have a neighbor who is becoming a friend and we are able to take walks or talk outside while the kids play. But other nights I am so tired. My battery is drained and I feel like I am not the mom I am capable of. But I also understand that Randy has been home with the kids all weekend and the firehouse is something he needs to feel good about himself.

But as a mom and wife and nurse I think I give most of myself to others, leaving little for myself and often I run on a partly charged battery, wearing it down bit by bit. Which is what happened recently, my battery was just about out of juice, I was out of patience, work had been a hard these past few weekends, I was starting to get moody.

Thankfully a few friends saw this and 'took me away' to NYC for the day. Other than a lunch date we had nothing planned all day and it was wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!! No rush to be anywhere, laughing thruugh out most of the day, walking until my feet hurt so much I had to buy new shoes. I left for the city at 8am and didn't get home until close to 9pm, an entire day of adult time. No one barging into the bathroom while I'm trying to pee, no one needing help with homework, no one wondering what's for dinner, just friends, fabulous friends who I love like sisters, who I tell all my secrets to, friends who need nothing from me but friendship and give the same back in return.

So this week I was able to recharge my battery, and in doing so I hope I am a calmer, more patient person, a better nurse, wife and mother. So sometimes you have to be a little selfish to serve others. Afterall how can you give of yourself when you have nothing left to give?

Time Warp

I feel as if I am in a time warp. My children are becoming little men before my eyes. Cody, like I mentioned before, is coming out of his shell, if I we had known 3 years ago, we may have had a different little boy on our hands. Shane is SO smart, like spelling tests at 100%, math score above 90% and it does it all without trying. And Casey, my baby, who is starting to become a little boy in front of my eyes, a temper tantrum thowing, crawling, smiling big boy.

I feel as if it was just a year ago that C was a baby and I was a first time mom learning to navigate this little man I had been given. I remember for so long after having him, he didn't seem real. I was waiting for someone to come and take him and thank me for watching their baby. But no one did, this was my baby. Then I was a new mom trying to figure out how to handle a newborn and a 14mo old, how to give them the constant love and attention they commanded. How can they be 8 and just about 7? And my baby, wasn't I miserably pregnant just a minute ago? Now I have a 9 month old.

It feels as if I have been sucked into a time warp, but really it is just the passing of time.