Back in the saddle

I often see abandoned blogs and think, "How sad. I wonder what happened that made this blogger stop blogging." I don't have to wonder anymore, because I am that blogger. I am that person who stopped mid blog.

What happened though was not sad, it was life. Life kept going, life got busy, too busy to sit down and write to stangers about it. Life got in the way of my blog...or did it? For many years, hundreds, no thousands, of years life did not get in the way of blogging, but it seems as if now, in 2015, maybe blogging gets in the way of life. We are so caught up in blogging and texting and facebooking that we have forgotten to live for living, we have replaced it with living to social media.

I'm not pointing fingers, because I'm the first one who will admit to spending more time than I should on the computer. It's the society we have become. We FB or instagram our kids pictures, their funny quotes, our frustrations with life. We play games on our phones. We text our friends more often than we speak to them. We don't interact like we used to, dinners are now a family seated, heads down, fingers running faster than we ever could, looking up occassionally to see if our food has arrived from a waiter who was just checking his phone before checking the window to see if our order was up. We now communicate through a 2inx6in box.

On the flip side of the coin, I now stay in contact with friends from highschool, former co-workers and distant family that without social media I would not have stayed in contact with before. We get to see pictures of their kids, hear how things are going, celebrate highs and comfort during lows. My high school class did not have a reunion yet, but in many ways I don't feel we have to spend a small fortune on 1 night out when we have FB to keep in touch. I can post pictures knowing my or my husband aunts can see the kids, keep up with us from half a country away.


So what does this mean.....Social media isn't going anywhere. Neither am I. I'll be back to give another update on my family....when time permits, because I am trying to be more present and less of a screen to my kids...to be their mom first and a blogger/facebooker second. I'll let you know how that works out.

They say I need to breathe, but I am hyperventalating

Summer has passed and it has been awhile since I have posted. My summer was spent with my boys, trying to keep them from getting bored, which in turn would have turned me crazy (I know, I don't have far to go!). We went to OBX for a week, CT for 5 days, then back to CT for another night. We played with friends, we woke up late, didn't get dressed some days, went shopping, we watched movies, we cleaned, we grew. All the while Randy and I were battling the school district to get Cody the help he so NEEDS. At the end of last year we had requested an outside evaluation after their orginal eval came back stating he didn't meet critera for any services. They denied the outside eval, so we contacted a lawyer who does special ed law and fought them. The price was high (they take $5,000 up front), the tears, frustration, the worry if it will all work out the way we need it to....the way Cody needs it to. I am happy to say we have 'settled' with the district, and are in the process of getting an outside eval for Cody. While all of this is going on my baby has grown into a toddler. A toddler who does not talk. AT 15 months old Casey says "hi" that is all. He babbles, but no words. Many people try to reassure me and give me excuses as to why he is not speaking "His brothers speak for him" is the biggest one, but as a mom who never thought there was anything seriously wrong with Cody, I am getting a pit in my stomach with the thought that I may have another ASD child on my hands. I am trying to breathe through it, take it day by day. But then we have a bad day and I feel like I am hyperventalating. I'm not sure I can give one ASD child the things he needs, let alone 2. I sit here and wonder "Why me, why my children" Have I not been through enough, why should they have to deal with anything. It's not fair. But then again a lot of other things aren't fair....cancer is not fair, babies born with heart defects is not fair, a mothering surviving her child is not fair. I try to breathe, but sometimes I find myself hyperventalating, but I look around and all that I do have and all that I CAN do and my breathing slows. That's not to say it won't speed up again, but for now it has slowed.

Boring updates

I feel like this has become the 'Fight for Cody' Blog, so I thought I would just give some random updates on everyone. Randy and I just celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. There were so many people who bet (literally) that we would not make it this far that to have come all this way makes me SO proud. Growing up I really didn't have a great example of how a marriage should work. Dad is on wife #4 and mom has been divorced 3 times, my amazing grandparents were married over 50 years, but for some reason I never looked at their marriage as work. So, based on my parents marriages I knew what a marriage WASN'T supposed to be, so really my only other example was TV, which set me up for a RUDE awakening! Life is not a tv show, problems don't get resolved and forgotten about in a half hour. A marriage is hard work. It's a lot of give and take and a lot more give. But I am proud to say our marraige is stronger than it ever has been...so take that haters! May 30th Randy had gastric bypass. He has struggled with his weight since before I met him (although he was his skinniest when we met) and his health was starting to pay the price. He was 37 and diabetic, with high cholesterol and high blood pressure, so basically I was a widow in waiting unless something changed. In November he went to a information session on it and slowly did the doctor appointments, support group meetings, education sessions and so on so he would qualify for his surgery. So far he is down almost 50 lbs...not just from the surgery but from some life changes he made before. I am so proud of him. He does get frustrated at times with the small amounts he is able to now eat (just 1/4 cup a meal) but he did this so he can be a better father and husband and I couldn't be prouder. Shane...my little lolli-pop. After tomorrow he will be a second grader. WHAT!!! When did that happen. He is SO smart and that is not me mom-bragging, the kid is really bright! I hope this continues and he becomes a doctor or some other high paying job so he can take care of mommy when she retires!!!! (but in all seriousness, I just hope he grows up healthy and happy, if he does, I did my job!). He is looking forward to playing soccer in the fall, which reminds me I need to send them a check! Cody...he has been the topic of many posts lately, but they are usually about his ASD and I can't allow his diagnosis to define who he is. He is a child, a boy, my son, a sweet, compassionate kid who loves animals and his baby brother. He will be starting 3rd grade in the fall and hopefully will have a smooth year. Casey...my baby. My sweet little baby is already a year old. I could cry just typing that out. He is changing and discovering new things each day, doing new little 'tricks' (the latest is to shake his head no really fast when you ask him 'who's crazy'). He is overall a happy boy who is STILL not sleeping through the night, but as I tell everyone, 'he's my baby' which seems to be my answer for everything when it comes to him! Me....ugh. Life is always hectic for me. This past Monday I had A wisdom tooth removed and now have a face that looks like someone punched me in the jaw. It could be worse, but it just seems like when I do something I do it BIG! I am still working weekends, and for the most part enjoy it, esp with some of the recent changes the agency has made (weekend nurses are basically untouched). I have also been picking up extra hours at the hospital again, working in oncology. Working the 2 are totally different, but each have their pros and cons, and generally make me grateful every time I work. I have so much to be thankful for, that even when I am bitching, I know there are so many who have it so much worse than me. As of tomorrow the kids are done with school, which means it me and the 3 boys home all week. Last summer flew by with vacations and such and I imagine this summer will follow suit. With the added benefit of pinterest and a great neighbor/friend (who is crazy/brave enough to go with on an overnight with all 5 of our kids) I think we will have a pretty awesome summer. I'm sure you'll hear all about it!

Cha-Cha-Changes

Recently we have found out that Cody's ped psychiatrist will be leaving the hospital that I work for. My 1st thought was "Just wonderful, we finally have answers and now the one person who will help us is leaving." However, after our last appointment we found out that yes she is leaving the hospital system, she does plan on staying in the area. Phew. She is not sure where she is going just yet, but told me to call in Aug and they will have to tell me (and if they don't, that is what Google is for!). She placed a check next to Cody's name (she has a master patient list, some she is willing to keep, others she will discharge to another doctor) becuase as she has said, "I LOVE my Aspergers kids, they are so sweet. If I had a practice of all Aspies I would be a happy doctor!" One problem with her moving out of the network I work for, is that my insurance will only cover in network doctors (even though there are now no ped psychiatists). In thinking about it, she is that good that if need be we would pay cash (it would be hard, but Cody is worth it). Several people told me due to his diagnosis he may qualify for medical assitance. In the past I would brush it off. I have health insurance, why or how would he qualify for medical assistance? But this past week at his therapy apptointment his therapist suggested it and said it would most likely cover his copays for her (only $15 a visit, but still), his meds (again not htat much, but things are still changing) and should his dr go out of network, his doctor. At that point the heavens opened and I could hear angels singing. SOmeone also mentioned that it may help him get an ICM (intensive case manager) or an advocate which will be helpful for IEP meetings (that is a totally different issue, in which we have to go to court in August over). Therefore, tonight I spent the last hour filling out the online medical assistance application. I still have to mail in copies of a whole lot of crap that I will need to search for, but at least it is a step in that direction. I look at the Autism Speaks website and other sites and find TOO much info, it is all jsut so overwhelming. I don't know where to start. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in the sea of information that is out there for ASD. Sometimes I feel like a failure as a parent because my kid has to struggle so much, but really compared to other kids, his struggles are minor. Last night we were at a local baseball team game with a bunch of people from my work. We cut the evening short when Cody went into full meltdown over losing a toy I told him NOT to bring, which only got worse when we passed the gift shop and I would not let him get an overpriced stuffed toy (which he is allergic to anyway). Of course, when in public, when Cody starts to have a meltdown, so does my husband who is still trying to understand Cody's diagnosis. But by the time we got to the car, Cody had stopped crying, the meltdown had passed with the help of some deep breathing and soft voices (on mommy's part). It really was only about a half hour of a meltdown, and the storm passed and today was a new day that made me even prouder of my little man. He had to have dental work done and did AMAZING. The dr and the assistant made a point to come out and tell me how great he did, that most kids were never that good, let alone kids with special needs. Proud Mommy moment.

Reminder

Today is Autism Awareness day. In years past this day meant very little to me. I have friends who have children who have Autism, but I was really unaffected by it. That is until Cody was diagnosed. On the grand scale of things, Cody has 'mild' Autism (aspergers) and functions pretty much as most 8 year olds do. But some days are worse than others, and today was one of them. Nothing I can point to and say this is why he had a bad day, just little things that add up.

A trip to the grocery store with 3 children in tow would be a challenge for any mother. Add to the mix a child with issues and that challenge has just been upgraded to a minor disaster. Each time I would have to speak to Cody (all while keeping my cool) I could feel the stares of the other shoppers, each time he was shouting or running or acting up I could see the shaking of their heads. I could hear their thoughts, their wonder in how a mother couldn't control her child, how the future of the world is doomed because mothers won't discipline their children. The judgement.

I wanted to shout "I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER, HE HAS AUTISM" but didn't. My parenting skills are none of their business. My son's diagnosis is none of their business. I owe no explanations. I know I am not a bad mother, but sometimes just need a reminder. Today was a reminder day.

Recharging the Batteries

Recently I have felt as if my batteries were running close to empty. My husband goes out every Monday night to the firehouse which has been hard for me. I work 12 hour days over the course of the weekend and when Monday rolls around I feel as if I have very little to give, I am tired and usually have somekind of paper work to do, or gorceries to restock or a doctors appointment, then I pick the kids up from school and have them all to myself for the remainder of the night. Some nights it's nice as I have a neighbor who is becoming a friend and we are able to take walks or talk outside while the kids play. But other nights I am so tired. My battery is drained and I feel like I am not the mom I am capable of. But I also understand that Randy has been home with the kids all weekend and the firehouse is something he needs to feel good about himself.

But as a mom and wife and nurse I think I give most of myself to others, leaving little for myself and often I run on a partly charged battery, wearing it down bit by bit. Which is what happened recently, my battery was just about out of juice, I was out of patience, work had been a hard these past few weekends, I was starting to get moody.

Thankfully a few friends saw this and 'took me away' to NYC for the day. Other than a lunch date we had nothing planned all day and it was wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!! No rush to be anywhere, laughing thruugh out most of the day, walking until my feet hurt so much I had to buy new shoes. I left for the city at 8am and didn't get home until close to 9pm, an entire day of adult time. No one barging into the bathroom while I'm trying to pee, no one needing help with homework, no one wondering what's for dinner, just friends, fabulous friends who I love like sisters, who I tell all my secrets to, friends who need nothing from me but friendship and give the same back in return.

So this week I was able to recharge my battery, and in doing so I hope I am a calmer, more patient person, a better nurse, wife and mother. So sometimes you have to be a little selfish to serve others. Afterall how can you give of yourself when you have nothing left to give?

Time Warp

I feel as if I am in a time warp. My children are becoming little men before my eyes. Cody, like I mentioned before, is coming out of his shell, if I we had known 3 years ago, we may have had a different little boy on our hands. Shane is SO smart, like spelling tests at 100%, math score above 90% and it does it all without trying. And Casey, my baby, who is starting to become a little boy in front of my eyes, a temper tantrum thowing, crawling, smiling big boy.

I feel as if it was just a year ago that C was a baby and I was a first time mom learning to navigate this little man I had been given. I remember for so long after having him, he didn't seem real. I was waiting for someone to come and take him and thank me for watching their baby. But no one did, this was my baby. Then I was a new mom trying to figure out how to handle a newborn and a 14mo old, how to give them the constant love and attention they commanded. How can they be 8 and just about 7? And my baby, wasn't I miserably pregnant just a minute ago? Now I have a 9 month old.

It feels as if I have been sucked into a time warp, but really it is just the passing of time.

Progress

And I'll take it!

Cody has now been medicated for a week and while it takes 2 weeks to get 'therapeutic' levels in his system I am seeing changes already. Are they changes because the meds are working, changes because I WANT (no, need) to see changes, or changes because all those who care for Cody can understand him better now that we have a diagnosis? It might be a little of each, but it is progress and I'll take it.

The dr had given us info to read about Asbergers and after my initial reaction last week, I gave it a few days and read it all, devoured it like a juicy steak. And as I read it I wondered who installed a camera in my sons brain because just about everything I read was CODY, it was like the article had studied him. Lights, bells and whistles went off in MY brain as I was starting to understand Cody's quirks, his actions started making sense.

This past weekend the boys were invited to a neighbors birthday party. I was able to pop over in between patients to see them. Cody and Shane were the only boys initially there and Shane flowed right in, he started flirting with all the girls, making himself at home with his friends. Now, most of these kids were Shane's grade as was the Birthday girl, so he knew them from classes and Cody is a year older. I purposely watched Cody to see how he interacted and he didn't. He hung out in the back of the group, with his hands folded in front of him, watching what was going on, but never jumping in. Nevertheless, Cody seemed to be enjoying himself. He even played musical chairs with all the kids, and when it came down to him and the last little girl, Randy turned to me and said "Oh, here comes a meltdown" and I started to worry....unnecessarily as Cody ended up winning, but I wonder now if he really would have had a meltdown.

After all we are making progress

Sucker Punch to the Gut

That is pretty much how I feel right now, like someone sucker punched my gut this morning.

For quite some time I have felt something is wrong with Cody. He often has emotional outbursts, can't control his emotions, hasn't been bringing home good test scores. This has been clear to me since he was in pre-school, but Iwas always told it was 'emotional immaturity', he would grow out of it. But he hasn't. So about 2 years ago we started him in therapy and he was doing a little better. We worked on coping skills, "Count to 10 and start again" "Is this a big deal or a little deal" "Take a deep breath" but really we were only putting a bandaide on the steady bleed of my son's emotions.

So today we went to see a child psychiatrist and we got a diagnosis. Attention Deficit- HyperActivity disorder (ADHD), anxiety, and Asbergers (which for those who don't know is a high functioning form of Autism). While I has suspected these things, actually hearing them was a gut wrenching feeling. Hearing my son was austistic was something I did not process in her office, I smiled, nodded, told her I suspected as much, but deep down my stomach felt like it had a huge pit in it. I know things could be so much worse, I could have been getting a diagnosis of cancer for my child, or some other terrible disease, but no parent EVER wants A diagnosis, ANY diagnosis for their child.

After dropping Cody off at school I said to Randy, "I'm not sure if I am relieved we have a diagnosis and therefore a treatment, or if I want to cry because our son is not normal" His response "Who really is normal?" And while he is right, we all have 'something' life is hard enough, now for my son it will always be harder. He will always have to have meds to control his moods and anxiety, he will be labeled, he will in general have a harder time with things becuase his view of our world is a bit different.

Tonight we will start him on medication that I am hoping, praying will help him and I will do what I am trained to do as a nurse, research, research, research. The mom in me will cry today, get it out of my system and tomorrow I move one to being an advocate for my son.

I got that bug...you know the one that starts with M

and ends with ICKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh yes, I have the Disney bug again.

In the past, this is the time I would have started planning a trip for fall of this year, sadly I'm not sure if it is in the cards for us this year. In the past we have used our tax return to pay a big chunk of the trip, but this year whatever tax return we get will go towrds paying down debt. I know a crappy way to spend money, well maybe not crappy, but unfun. I promised myself we would budget this year and stop wasting money, so that is my goal, so my date with the mouse must wait.

I have several goals for this year and I am going to post them here and will cehck in time to time to let you all (hahahaha)know how it's going.


*Loose 20lbs (40 would be great, but that would just be a ‘diet’ not changing how I am eating)
*Exercise more (not necessarily to lose weight, but to feel better)
*Get all my bills filed away and decrease the paper clutter they create (I literally have 3 years to file, but never had the time before to do)
*Get caught up on all of our bills and NOT fall behind again! (hopefully our tax return will help with this and we can start to save money by not paying late fees)
Coupon more
*Stop buying things because they are on sale without a purpose in mind (while I love saving money, I have an attic full of ‘great deals’ that have no home….not so much of a great deal now!)
*Budget better
*Get the front porch cleaned up and turned into a craft/reading room
*Start a savings fund for a new roof (exciting, I know!)
*Start a savings fund for vacation (even if it is $5 a week, that’s $20 a month and over $200 for the year!)
*Be better about mailing out B-day cards to friends and loved ones, with personal notes in them
*Go through my closet and WEED out!


In thinking about it, I should print this out so I can see it everyday and keep my goals at the front of my mind.

In fact, I am going to get off the computer and try to do something on my goal list!

I promise, if you stay out of mine, I'll stay out of yours

Uterus that is.

This may not be a popular blog post, but I'm not in a popular mood so whatever!

I am pro-choice, which is not to be mistaken for pro-abortion. I truely think that it is none of my business what someone does with their uterus. Do I think abortion should be used at birth control...no, not at all (I do believe that after 2 for non medical reasons people should be put on long lasting birth control, but that is just a thought). Do I think that it is sad, yes, sad for the life that will never be, sad for the life of a woman that will be forever changed and sad for all of the childless people out there who would give an arm or a leg to have just 1 baby. But I am not perfect and should not condem other. If there is a higher power who condems such things, it is his/her job to do so, not mine.

Now, that being said, there are a lot of pro-choice people who condemed Michelle Duggar for being pregnant with her 20th baby. Really? Really? Pretty sure she is making a choice about her body (just maybe not the choice you or I would have made). *I* would never want 20 children (nor would my body handle that, really gotta give her props for it!) but it's her uterus, not mine and if she wants to give birth to another 20, I'm not gonna judge. Her and her husband take care of their children, they appear well fed, polite, and are not being raised with the help of any government assitance, so literally her having another baby costs me nothing. Sadly she lost that baby and as many of my friends know, losing a baby is a horrible, senseless thing. There are some who said she should take that as a sign to stop. Again, not my place to tell her what to do with her uterus!

I have friends who are both pro-life and pro-choice and I love them all and either way, I try not to judge them, because it is not my place to judge anyone, I'm jsut here to be a friend.

My Dream Come True, My Cody

I am a bit behind, but being the mom of 3 boys will do that to a person. The school year has started, Cody has started Scouts once again and Shane has started Wrestling, and Casey, my sweet baby, is already 6 months old and still stealing our hearts. As promised, this blog is about my Cody.

When I got pregnant with Cody, I was not planning it, so he was a surprise, a VERY welcomed surprise. I had been in a bit of a funk before I found out. I was worried that after only a few months of dating, I was pregnant, what would Randy think. Randy welcomed the news of a baby, which was a relief. I was cautiously happy. Having lost one child already I was scared to attach to a baby that I may lose. Randy was not Christopher's father so he could not understand the feelings I was having. I would not buy anything, talk about a shower, look at baby furniture until I had my level 2 ultrasound to find out everything was ok with this baby. And it was. Everything was right on track, I was having a healthy baby (we didn't want to find out the sex, we like the surprise)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was induced on December 19th, 2003, we had a party in my room, my mom, stepmom, Randy's, many friends and both my brothers (they were in their teens back then and it was the perfect sex ed class for them...the reasons to wrap your rascal!) Cody was out after 12 hours of induction and just 16 minutes of pushing. They placed him on my chest and I was finally a mom. I was in love.

He was a mini version of me, a little clone. My mother couldn't believe it, it was uncanny how much he looked like me. She said, minus the penis, he was me!

He was the 1st great-grandbaby in several year for my Bama and Poppop and you would have thought the moon and sun set on Cody according to my Bama. She loved that little boy beyond words. He was such a happy baby, smiles for anyone, went to anyone, no stranger anxiety for him. He slept through the night at 6 weeks. He hardly ever cried, in fact my family asked me if a doctor had looked at him because it couldn't be normal to have such a happy child all the time.

I like to say he was my light, as he brightened my world and proved to me and many doctors that I could have a healthy baby. He was sunshine after years of storms. He was my dream come true. He was a good toddler, I never really dealt with the terrible 2's or 3's.

As he entered preschool it became apparent that he was what the teachers called 'emotionally immature.' He cried when things got him upset, he had meltdowns over the slightest things and was behind academically, but they all assured me he would grow out of it, that sometimes boys are a bit slow to mature.

He started Kindergarten and was tested and found to be behind academically so they offered a program called Extended Day Kindergarten where he went to his regular AM class and stayed in the afternoon for a smaller class to work on the stuff they did in the morning. I thought this would be the answer to all of his problems, if he could just catch up to his peers and mature a little all would be right in his world.

That was not the case. He caught up and was set for 1st grade and I even warned his 1st grade teacher that he was a bit of a cry baby. I think she thought I was some bitch of a mom, because at 1st she only saw a sweet boy who tried so hard. Then the honeymoon period ended and Cody started to have his meltdowns for her. We decided it was time for him to see someone to work out his issues. Thankfully I have great insurance that covers his sessions (less a $15 co pay) and a therapist who he likes a lot. At the end of the school year his teacher and I were talking about him and that his behavior is not just immaturity. Due to laws and other bureaucratic bullshit she couldn't say more, but I understood the unspoken.

Now we are in 2nd grade and things are not getting better, if anything worse. His grades are slipping, yet his teacher tells me he can get the info with 1 on 1 assistance. His emotional outbursts are becoming more and more of an issue. So I have taken the next step to have him evaluated by a neurologist (my neurologist) for ADD and what ever else she finds. I am also working on getting him an IEP to get him the consistent help he needs. He has trouble expressing his emotions correctly which we are working with his counselor with.

So those are the challenges with Cody.........but they do not define him. He is a great big brother, he loves Casey and will make silly baby noises for him. He is a hugger..his teacher can count on a hug everyday from Cody, he is caring. He still will sit on my lap just to be close to me. He loves animals, much like his parents. He reads grade levels above him and LOVES books.

All of his quirks, as I like to call them, make him Cody. They make the bad days bad and the good days even better because they are cherished that much more.

I am a mom because of Cody and I hope when he grows up he thinks he had a great mom!

Another Baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ever since Casey was born, actually before he was born, I wanted another baby. Sickness and 9 months of torture aside, my body was made for having babies. Inductions with 12 hours, 6 hours and less than 4 hours of labor with babies that get pushed out before the staff can ready themselves for it...that is a baby having body.


Over the last 2 days 3 friends have had babies and several others are expecting. Tonight I was packing up Casey's clothes, feeling a bit sad (ok A LOT sad) that this is the last time any of my children will wear this outfit or that one. (they shouldn't make such cute baby clothes cause they are hardly worn!)

I've not hidden the fact that I would love another baby...but there are several reasons why it is just not in the cards for us. My husbands feeling of being done and my health are the biggest.

In the mean time I will enjoy this lil sweetie I have now. The one whos face lights up when he see me, the one who is a drooling machine, who giggles when we play patty cake, who has stolen my heart just as his brothers before him.

I plan for my next blog to be about Cody...my challenge, my light, my sweet....he has a lot going on right now we are trying to sort out.

Till then!

School Days, School Days

Next week the big boys go back to school. How did this many years pass? How is it that I have a 1st and 2nd grader? I look at Casey (who is 3 months now) and see Cody at that age. It almost feels like the 7 year old boy who stands in front of me is a stranger. It's not that I don't know him, but it's like one day I had a baby, I closed my eyes and when they opened he was a big boy. A boy who forgets to kiss his Mama goodnight, who says things under his breath, who yells at his brother, but a boy who still needs me, just not as much.

I'll be labeling their school supplies tomorrow, getting all the papers filled out, nestled in their backpacks for next Tuesday. Part of me will do this with absolute GLEE. They have been spending entirely too much time together, the bickering is non stop. There are some days (like today) I count the minutes until Randy gets home so I can run out to a store for the stupidest of things just to get a few minutes of peace. But another part of me will be sad and lonely. It will be just Casey and I all day, which will be nice, but I will miss the big boys entertaining him while I do dishes, or drawing me a picture just because.

I'm also looking forward to organizing my house while they are at school. I'm hoping to get Casey on a nap schedule (which will be a lot easier to do when his brothers are not screaming at each other and trying to kiss on him while he is sleeping) and while he is sleeping I will give myself chore to do. I think if I blog about them, it will hold me more accountable to actually getting my list done. Another thing I am looking forward to is better eating, exercising and getting not only my house, but also myself in shape.

So give me a week once school starts and let the lists begin!!!!!!!!!!

The Blue Ribbons

Driving home from work today I had to drive through Freemansburg....and all I saw up and down the road was blue ribbons....and all I did was cry.

This past week a neighboring town's police officer, while responding to a call, was shot in the head. He leaves behind a wife and 2 small children. Two children who will sadly have very little memories of their father. Who will only know him through pictures and stories. A wife who will sleep in a bed that is too big now that one person is missing.

This man and his family have been weighing heavily on my mind these past few days. Maybe it was becuase he was my age, maybe because it happened in a small boro that one would never think something like this would have happened. The night it happened all I could think was...this is any other night for so many, but for 1 family it was the end..the end of a life, the end of a husband coming home from work for dinner, the end of a father playing with his kids on the floor.... the end.

The only comfort I have is I imagine it happend so quickly that he felt no pain. But that is very little comfort as I think about his family. Usually on Friday nights we go out to dinner...this week we forgot about dinner this Friday and this morning my husband took the kids to the bank that has set up Officer Lasso's memorial fund and donated the money we would have spent on dinner. Money is little comfort to his family who I'm sure would much rather have their husband, son, father back at home tonight. But in my mind it was better than crying for him, as crying will bring his family little solice.

And what happened to july?

No, really....what happened to it. I blinked and it was gone! Oh that's right, 10 day in OBX, 4 days in CT, 3 days in NY, I guess it got sucked in.

Our trip to OBX was amazing, I hope to write a post about that all on it's own, but it was a great realxing time with wonderful people!

The yearly treck to CT was as wonderful as ever. It's amazing that such saddness brought me to so many soul sisters. For me, it's like going home, going to that safe place that home represents. A lot of these women knew me as a lonely lost girl and guided me to the woman and mother I am today.

We spent a few days with my mom, as she is planning on moving to Las Vegas next years so I am trying to soak up time with her.

And here we are in the begining of Augiust. I wonder if this month will pass by so quickly. In ways I hope it does, I would love to get into a routine with lil tan man, but that also means the big boys are back in school...which depending on the day could make me very happy or a little sad!

Summer Vacation, a test of my patience and sanity

I figure if I can survive summer vacation with the 3 boys, I can survive anything. I am still dealing with the postpartum depression, but have accepted it as part of my life at this time. It is what it is.

Today was the 1st day home, all day, of summer vacation. My mom is due to come for a visit later today, which has me stressed out enough, knowing she will 'yell' at me for the condition of the living room. Oh well, I guess some things never change.

The day started with me going to bed at 1am, Casey waking up at 2, 3, 5, 6 and 7am. Randy coming in at 7:30 to ask me for a check for a dr appt he had, why he didn't think to ask for this LAST night, rather than waking his sleep deprived wife up, I do not know. I was able to fall back to sleep, baby and I, until 9:15. Of course Casey woke up crying, which in turn woke up a sleeping Shane. Dang it!

We had breakfast, Cody and Shane wated some shows on Netflix, took turns fighting over whose turn it was to pick the show, Cody threw the remote at Shane in anger, and got sent to his room.....ahhhhh, peace and quiet! Until a half hour later when I remembered Cody was in his room and allowed him to come down.


I have some plans for the summer, this weekend we will be leaving for OBX for 10 days!!! Which means Daddy will be there the help wrangle the tribe. After that I will brave taking all 3 boys to CT to see a bunch of friends. I hope then to get a pool membership, as it is only a few block away. We went to the library last Friday and may make that a thurs/friday thing. I have crafts for them to do, but want to get the house cleaned up 1st, but on 2nd hand I better let them do the crafts since the house will NEVER be ALL cleaned up!

Oh, looky there, it's lunch time. The boys requested mac and cheese with hot dogs mixed in, a favorite of theirs and I had left overs. Right now they are playing, nicely, but I am in waiting for the fighting to begin because "He took the Zhu zhu I was playing with" or other such dumbness. Casey is napping on the couch and I just realized that Mom will be here soon, and my 2 oldest kids have been running around naked all morning and the littlest one is only in a diaper. Guess I shou.....oh, it has started "Hey, that was my eye" as he takes his fingers and jabs them into his brothers eye for paybacks........anyway, I guess I should step away from the computer, make sure no one is blind and get my kids dressed.

Post Partum Depression..it SUCKS!

I sit here watching some baby show on TLC, crying my eyes out. That is pretty much my life lately, crying my eyes out. I have been formally diagnosed with PPD. I hesitated writing this blog, about THIS subject as who really wants to hear it? But I know of so many who have suffered in silence with the same thing.

I have so many people ask me daily "How are you feeling?" My standard reply is "ok" as I highly doubt anyone wants to hear about how sad I am, how tired, how scared. But I also know there is no shame in having PPD. SO I break the silence. Sure, plenty of women have babies and have no issues with postpartum, and they have no idea how lucky they are. I wish upon wish that I could enjoy this time with my new baby, the last chance I have with being a new mom. I wish my day wasn't spent tearing up at the littlest thing, worring that something will happen to my lil man, being so tired that I can barely function. But that is my day.

I have such anxiety that my littlest man will leave me before his time, morbid as it may seem. I guess I just feel so lucky that I have been blessed with 3 amazing little boys that I feel as if something will go wrong. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I worry about SIDS, I worry that he will choke, I worry about every little flinch is something mroe than a flinch. I worry. I don't sleep. Partly because I have a new baby that wakes up at 3 am and refuses to go back to sleep. Partly because I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I worry, I worry because I can't sleep.

I wish I could tie this up with some happy words of wisdom, a pearl of knowledge, but right now, I have no words, all I have is my struggle everyday to climb out of this canyon I have fallen into and the hope that by being so open about my struggles that someone else can start the climb out of their canyon.

Adjustments

Casey has been here 2 weeks now. It's hard to believe that 2 weeks ago I had just given birth, sitting in the hospital room with Casey, after everyone had left, waiting for the nurses to come in and check me so I could go to bed. What a difference 2 weeks makes.

Mom came and helped for the 1st week, so this week I was on my own and I must say we did ok....we're here aren't we? Nature has this amazing thing called memory loss. I forgot how tiring a newborn is, how often you wake up at night, how 3 hours in a row is now considered a decent stretch of sleep. I imagine if nature didn't have that natural memory loss built into us, most people would stop at 1 child.

The boys are doing ok with our newest addition. Shane LOVES his little brother. He has nicknamed him Favy, not sure where he pulled that one from, but I imagine it will end up sticking, just as Cody is called Bubby and Shane is called Lal-ly, Casey wil be known in our family as Favy. Shane would hold him all day if I would let him. Cody on the other hand is not as head over heel about Casey. I know he REALLY wanted a sister, so maybe had Casey been a girl, things would have been reversed, but it is what it is. Cody is still more interested in his own life, but will kiss Csey every night before bed...it's something, I guess.

This is where I will leave it for now. I am too tired to think much more and I have been informed a little person is hungry, and since I am currently a milking cow, I msut go hook my utter up!

Queen of my Castle

Looks like I am the queen on my castle!!!!!

I went in Thurs, May 12 for my last NST. The doctor had already scheduled my induction the week before for Thurs night into Fri morning as the week before I was only a fingertip and 'long.' He checked me at my appointment Thurs and I was still the same, which meant my induction started 8pm Thurs night with Cytotec rather than Fri morning with just the Pitocin.



I did some running around Thursday, went to TRU to get bike helmets for my big boys, picked up Shane from K, then went home and rested as I was having contractions from being checked earlier in the day. Went back to the school later and got my other son and went home to straighten up a bit. DH had an appointment with a new doctor that night at 5 so my stepmom was coming over to watch the boys and deal with getting them to school the next day. After hubby's appointment we went and picked up dinner at a local Italian place, we are friends with the owner and she was so happy that my 'last meal as a preggo' was hers!!! The doctor said to eat 'lite' but to heck with that, who knew how long I was going to be in labor for the next day!!! We took dinner home and ate as a family of 4 for the last time. Loaded up the car, took some last min 'preggo' picts and off we went to the hospital. When we arrived we went up to the mother baby floor and saw Larry, the male nurse who helped deliver both of our boys. He was the nurse we happened to get with our 1st, but he was SO GREAT that we requested him for our 2nd! We jokingly said maybe we'll see you tomorrow!



I thought they would put me right into a labor room...nope; I got the 'bigger' room in triage!!! Of course there was just a recliner for hubby, which, with 2 herniated discs, would not have been a place for him to sleep so I told him to stay with me until I got settled then he could go home. They had me hooked up to a monitor for a bit, and then the resident came in and put in the Cytotec. About 15 mins later she came in to say that MY doctor ordered cytotec but the attending on that night (another in the practice) wanted cervedil, so she had to take out the Cytotec!!!!!!!! She also didn’t have the cervedil on the floor as it had to come from the pharmacy, so she would be back to put it in. By that time it was around 10 so DH went home to sleep. The resident came in a bit later and quickly put in the cervedil (which is a long string/ribbon) before she had to go in to the OR for a C-section. I had to wait about an hour before getting up to go pee, so about an hour later the nurse came to help me get up and of course I felt the string falling out...thankfully it was only partially. So after the section the resident came back to put it back in and the nurse gave me some Ambien to sleep and started and IV. I then realized that it was Thurs night and I missed Greys and Private Practice...hopefully it will be on the DVR when I get home!!!

Thanks to the Ambien, I slept for about 5 hours or so!!! The nurse came in around 7:30-8 and said MY doctor was there and she was going to ask him if I could eat something since I really wasn't in 'active labor.' My doctor came in then and seemed REALLY annoyed that his partner changed what he ordered, but didn't take it out on me; he just mentioned that he wasn't sure why his associate did that. A few mins later my nurse came in to tell me she was getting me b'fast and once I ate she would move me over to a labor room. Around this time Hubby and my friend, Amanda, came in. I ate my breakfast, if you can call toast breakfast, and we all walked down the hall to my labor room.


A different resident came in to check me to see if it was time for the Pitocin and I was 2cm and 60% effaced!!! YAY the cervedil worked! My doctor came in and said to start the Pitocin. The nurse got everything all ready, hooked it into my IV, only to find out, my iv site was no good...it had blown! I am not the best 'stick' so she was really limited on where she could go, so my hand it was. Hand IVs hurt the worst, as least to me, but I knew she wouldn't have gotten me anywhere else. The Pitocin was then started at 11am. My mom, stepfather and brother arrived shortly after, with a Starbucks Chai tea, which was a no-no as it wasn’t a ‘clear liquid’ so we put it into a cup marked water! I was telling my nurse, Dawn, that I did NOT want a resident breaking my water....only my dr. I also told her that with my other two, once I hit 6cm things went REALLY FAST. (With Cody I went from 6 to 10 fast and only pushed for 18 mins, with Shane I went from 6 to 10 in an hour and pushed 3 times). Within a few minutes my OB came in and asked if I wanted my water broken, his timing was perfect! He broke my water but nothing really came out (no big gush like with the boys). He said the baby's head was down and acting like a cork so he thought it would be a 'slow' trickle. Which was fine by me since that gush always felt gross to me!

The pain was getting worse so I asked for something, they offered stadol or the epi...I opted for the stadol. Which helped...for maybe half hour or so. They checked me again around 1:15 and I was 4 to 5 and 100% effaced and I knew it was time for my epi since 6cm seems to be my 'magic number. By 2pm I had my epi and was 7cm, feeling much better. The baby nurse came in to get everything ready for the baby and when she heard how fast I went with the other 2, she decided to stay in the room and hang out! Smart woman! I asked Randy if we could have one more. I was starting to get sad that this was the last time we would have this magical moment, the last time I would feel a baby kick inside me. The nurses joked that it had to be the 1st time they have EVER had a patient, in active labor ask that!

Things started to get a little scary here...baby's heart rate started dropping below 90, so I became a rotisserie chicken...flopping from one side to the other. I told them I felt pressure so the nurse checked me...I was 10 with just a little bit of a 'lip' so they called the resident, who checked me again and said the same thing, who called my doctor who came in and checked me and said the same thing, but it was time to push and have a baby!!!!! He suited up, put my legs in the stirrups and we started. Thinking back no one ever 'counted' they just told me to push and there was no break of pushing in between, I pushed with the 1st contractions and once it was over the doctor said to keep pushing. My mom later told me the cord came out with the baby's head, she wasn't sure if it was around his neck or not and I didn't ask!

Two pushes later, the baby was out..........a boy!!!!!!!!!!!! Randy announced, “Another Penis!!!” They put his grey body on my chest and started rubbing him to stimulate him; this lil stinker continues to sleep, letting out only a little whimper here and there. They let him on me while the doctor did what he had to do to get out the placenta and everything else. He had a HUGE mess to clean up....my water gushed after the baby came out and I started bleeding a lot. I overheard the doctor say, “Up with the Pitocin” and someone else ask, “Does she have a history of postpartum hemorrage? I really wasn’t paying much attention after that, I was staring at the new little person who, like his brothers before him, would forever hold a piece of my heart.

Casey Joseph Yardumian was born May 13, 2011, at 2:55pm, weighing 7lbs, 7oz and was 20inches long with a perfect amount of hair.

I had told Randy we were not going to tell anyone the sex of the baby until his big brothers got here and could know, so I had Randy call my step-mom, who was picking them up at 3:10 from school, to tell her to bring them up to the hospital. Cody REALLY wanted a sister, Shane really wanted a brother. I was a little concerned at how Cody would take the news. They came up and I was holding Casey. I announced to them, this is your new little brother. If Cody was really disappointed he hid it pretty well. I was expecting tears or a hissy fit, all I got was, “Mom, can the next one be a girl?” Don’t I wish there would be one more! They each took turns holding him, as did everyone else.

The next few hours/days were spent getting to know this new little person in our lives. Randy took the big boys back and forth to the hospital and we had a few visitors here and there. My postpartum course has been far from easy as I developed a cyst on my upper inner thigh that lead to an infection and a few really bad days. The baby was at the doctor Friday and had some jaundice (had to get his level checked, thankfully it came back better) and he has pink eye! My mom came to help out with the 3 boys, which really meant taking and picking up the big boys at school. We did some cleaning and shopping and organizing which has been a huge help with all the visitors coming over to meet the little man. Cody and Shane are wonderful with their baby brother…they love to hug and kiss and hold him. He breastfeeds like a pro, and is coming around on sleeping (the 1st few nights were pretty rough!)

After a difficult pregnancy, both physically and emotionally I am so happy he is here and is safe and sound and healthy. I really worried that with all the issues I had during the pregnancy I wouldn’t be attached to this baby, but I am happy to report that is not the case. I am over the moon in love... with all of my boys…all 4 of them.