I figure if I can survive summer vacation with the 3 boys, I can survive anything. I am still dealing with the postpartum depression, but have accepted it as part of my life at this time. It is what it is.
Today was the 1st day home, all day, of summer vacation. My mom is due to come for a visit later today, which has me stressed out enough, knowing she will 'yell' at me for the condition of the living room. Oh well, I guess some things never change.
The day started with me going to bed at 1am, Casey waking up at 2, 3, 5, 6 and 7am. Randy coming in at 7:30 to ask me for a check for a dr appt he had, why he didn't think to ask for this LAST night, rather than waking his sleep deprived wife up, I do not know. I was able to fall back to sleep, baby and I, until 9:15. Of course Casey woke up crying, which in turn woke up a sleeping Shane. Dang it!
We had breakfast, Cody and Shane wated some shows on Netflix, took turns fighting over whose turn it was to pick the show, Cody threw the remote at Shane in anger, and got sent to his room.....ahhhhh, peace and quiet! Until a half hour later when I remembered Cody was in his room and allowed him to come down.
I have some plans for the summer, this weekend we will be leaving for OBX for 10 days!!! Which means Daddy will be there the help wrangle the tribe. After that I will brave taking all 3 boys to CT to see a bunch of friends. I hope then to get a pool membership, as it is only a few block away. We went to the library last Friday and may make that a thurs/friday thing. I have crafts for them to do, but want to get the house cleaned up 1st, but on 2nd hand I better let them do the crafts since the house will NEVER be ALL cleaned up!
Oh, looky there, it's lunch time. The boys requested mac and cheese with hot dogs mixed in, a favorite of theirs and I had left overs. Right now they are playing, nicely, but I am in waiting for the fighting to begin because "He took the Zhu zhu I was playing with" or other such dumbness. Casey is napping on the couch and I just realized that Mom will be here soon, and my 2 oldest kids have been running around naked all morning and the littlest one is only in a diaper. Guess I shou.....oh, it has started "Hey, that was my eye" as he takes his fingers and jabs them into his brothers eye for paybacks........anyway, I guess I should step away from the computer, make sure no one is blind and get my kids dressed.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Post Partum Depression..it SUCKS!
I sit here watching some baby show on TLC, crying my eyes out. That is pretty much my life lately, crying my eyes out. I have been formally diagnosed with PPD. I hesitated writing this blog, about THIS subject as who really wants to hear it? But I know of so many who have suffered in silence with the same thing.
I have so many people ask me daily "How are you feeling?" My standard reply is "ok" as I highly doubt anyone wants to hear about how sad I am, how tired, how scared. But I also know there is no shame in having PPD. SO I break the silence. Sure, plenty of women have babies and have no issues with postpartum, and they have no idea how lucky they are. I wish upon wish that I could enjoy this time with my new baby, the last chance I have with being a new mom. I wish my day wasn't spent tearing up at the littlest thing, worring that something will happen to my lil man, being so tired that I can barely function. But that is my day.
I have such anxiety that my littlest man will leave me before his time, morbid as it may seem. I guess I just feel so lucky that I have been blessed with 3 amazing little boys that I feel as if something will go wrong. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I worry about SIDS, I worry that he will choke, I worry about every little flinch is something mroe than a flinch. I worry. I don't sleep. Partly because I have a new baby that wakes up at 3 am and refuses to go back to sleep. Partly because I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I worry, I worry because I can't sleep.
I wish I could tie this up with some happy words of wisdom, a pearl of knowledge, but right now, I have no words, all I have is my struggle everyday to climb out of this canyon I have fallen into and the hope that by being so open about my struggles that someone else can start the climb out of their canyon.
I have so many people ask me daily "How are you feeling?" My standard reply is "ok" as I highly doubt anyone wants to hear about how sad I am, how tired, how scared. But I also know there is no shame in having PPD. SO I break the silence. Sure, plenty of women have babies and have no issues with postpartum, and they have no idea how lucky they are. I wish upon wish that I could enjoy this time with my new baby, the last chance I have with being a new mom. I wish my day wasn't spent tearing up at the littlest thing, worring that something will happen to my lil man, being so tired that I can barely function. But that is my day.
I have such anxiety that my littlest man will leave me before his time, morbid as it may seem. I guess I just feel so lucky that I have been blessed with 3 amazing little boys that I feel as if something will go wrong. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I worry about SIDS, I worry that he will choke, I worry about every little flinch is something mroe than a flinch. I worry. I don't sleep. Partly because I have a new baby that wakes up at 3 am and refuses to go back to sleep. Partly because I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I worry, I worry because I can't sleep.
I wish I could tie this up with some happy words of wisdom, a pearl of knowledge, but right now, I have no words, all I have is my struggle everyday to climb out of this canyon I have fallen into and the hope that by being so open about my struggles that someone else can start the climb out of their canyon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)