I sit here watching some baby show on TLC, crying my eyes out. That is pretty much my life lately, crying my eyes out. I have been formally diagnosed with PPD. I hesitated writing this blog, about THIS subject as who really wants to hear it? But I know of so many who have suffered in silence with the same thing.
I have so many people ask me daily "How are you feeling?" My standard reply is "ok" as I highly doubt anyone wants to hear about how sad I am, how tired, how scared. But I also know there is no shame in having PPD. SO I break the silence. Sure, plenty of women have babies and have no issues with postpartum, and they have no idea how lucky they are. I wish upon wish that I could enjoy this time with my new baby, the last chance I have with being a new mom. I wish my day wasn't spent tearing up at the littlest thing, worring that something will happen to my lil man, being so tired that I can barely function. But that is my day.
I have such anxiety that my littlest man will leave me before his time, morbid as it may seem. I guess I just feel so lucky that I have been blessed with 3 amazing little boys that I feel as if something will go wrong. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I worry about SIDS, I worry that he will choke, I worry about every little flinch is something mroe than a flinch. I worry. I don't sleep. Partly because I have a new baby that wakes up at 3 am and refuses to go back to sleep. Partly because I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I worry, I worry because I can't sleep.
I wish I could tie this up with some happy words of wisdom, a pearl of knowledge, but right now, I have no words, all I have is my struggle everyday to climb out of this canyon I have fallen into and the hope that by being so open about my struggles that someone else can start the climb out of their canyon.
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