That is pretty much how I feel right now, like someone sucker punched my gut this morning.
For quite some time I have felt something is wrong with Cody. He often has emotional outbursts, can't control his emotions, hasn't been bringing home good test scores. This has been clear to me since he was in pre-school, but Iwas always told it was 'emotional immaturity', he would grow out of it. But he hasn't. So about 2 years ago we started him in therapy and he was doing a little better. We worked on coping skills, "Count to 10 and start again" "Is this a big deal or a little deal" "Take a deep breath" but really we were only putting a bandaide on the steady bleed of my son's emotions.
So today we went to see a child psychiatrist and we got a diagnosis. Attention Deficit- HyperActivity disorder (ADHD), anxiety, and Asbergers (which for those who don't know is a high functioning form of Autism). While I has suspected these things, actually hearing them was a gut wrenching feeling. Hearing my son was austistic was something I did not process in her office, I smiled, nodded, told her I suspected as much, but deep down my stomach felt like it had a huge pit in it. I know things could be so much worse, I could have been getting a diagnosis of cancer for my child, or some other terrible disease, but no parent EVER wants A diagnosis, ANY diagnosis for their child.
After dropping Cody off at school I said to Randy, "I'm not sure if I am relieved we have a diagnosis and therefore a treatment, or if I want to cry because our son is not normal" His response "Who really is normal?" And while he is right, we all have 'something' life is hard enough, now for my son it will always be harder. He will always have to have meds to control his moods and anxiety, he will be labeled, he will in general have a harder time with things becuase his view of our world is a bit different.
Tonight we will start him on medication that I am hoping, praying will help him and I will do what I am trained to do as a nurse, research, research, research. The mom in me will cry today, get it out of my system and tomorrow I move one to being an advocate for my son.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I got that bug...you know the one that starts with M
and ends with ICKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh yes, I have the Disney bug again.
In the past, this is the time I would have started planning a trip for fall of this year, sadly I'm not sure if it is in the cards for us this year. In the past we have used our tax return to pay a big chunk of the trip, but this year whatever tax return we get will go towrds paying down debt. I know a crappy way to spend money, well maybe not crappy, but unfun. I promised myself we would budget this year and stop wasting money, so that is my goal, so my date with the mouse must wait.
I have several goals for this year and I am going to post them here and will cehck in time to time to let you all (hahahaha)know how it's going.
*Loose 20lbs (40 would be great, but that would just be a ‘diet’ not changing how I am eating)
*Exercise more (not necessarily to lose weight, but to feel better)
*Get all my bills filed away and decrease the paper clutter they create (I literally have 3 years to file, but never had the time before to do)
*Get caught up on all of our bills and NOT fall behind again! (hopefully our tax return will help with this and we can start to save money by not paying late fees)
Coupon more
*Stop buying things because they are on sale without a purpose in mind (while I love saving money, I have an attic full of ‘great deals’ that have no home….not so much of a great deal now!)
*Budget better
*Get the front porch cleaned up and turned into a craft/reading room
*Start a savings fund for a new roof (exciting, I know!)
*Start a savings fund for vacation (even if it is $5 a week, that’s $20 a month and over $200 for the year!)
*Be better about mailing out B-day cards to friends and loved ones, with personal notes in them
*Go through my closet and WEED out!
In thinking about it, I should print this out so I can see it everyday and keep my goals at the front of my mind.
In fact, I am going to get off the computer and try to do something on my goal list!
In the past, this is the time I would have started planning a trip for fall of this year, sadly I'm not sure if it is in the cards for us this year. In the past we have used our tax return to pay a big chunk of the trip, but this year whatever tax return we get will go towrds paying down debt. I know a crappy way to spend money, well maybe not crappy, but unfun. I promised myself we would budget this year and stop wasting money, so that is my goal, so my date with the mouse must wait.
I have several goals for this year and I am going to post them here and will cehck in time to time to let you all (hahahaha)know how it's going.
*Loose 20lbs (40 would be great, but that would just be a ‘diet’ not changing how I am eating)
*Exercise more (not necessarily to lose weight, but to feel better)
*Get all my bills filed away and decrease the paper clutter they create (I literally have 3 years to file, but never had the time before to do)
*Get caught up on all of our bills and NOT fall behind again! (hopefully our tax return will help with this and we can start to save money by not paying late fees)
Coupon more
*Stop buying things because they are on sale without a purpose in mind (while I love saving money, I have an attic full of ‘great deals’ that have no home….not so much of a great deal now!)
*Budget better
*Get the front porch cleaned up and turned into a craft/reading room
*Start a savings fund for a new roof (exciting, I know!)
*Start a savings fund for vacation (even if it is $5 a week, that’s $20 a month and over $200 for the year!)
*Be better about mailing out B-day cards to friends and loved ones, with personal notes in them
*Go through my closet and WEED out!
In thinking about it, I should print this out so I can see it everyday and keep my goals at the front of my mind.
In fact, I am going to get off the computer and try to do something on my goal list!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
I promise, if you stay out of mine, I'll stay out of yours
Uterus that is.
This may not be a popular blog post, but I'm not in a popular mood so whatever!
I am pro-choice, which is not to be mistaken for pro-abortion. I truely think that it is none of my business what someone does with their uterus. Do I think abortion should be used at birth control...no, not at all (I do believe that after 2 for non medical reasons people should be put on long lasting birth control, but that is just a thought). Do I think that it is sad, yes, sad for the life that will never be, sad for the life of a woman that will be forever changed and sad for all of the childless people out there who would give an arm or a leg to have just 1 baby. But I am not perfect and should not condem other. If there is a higher power who condems such things, it is his/her job to do so, not mine.
Now, that being said, there are a lot of pro-choice people who condemed Michelle Duggar for being pregnant with her 20th baby. Really? Really? Pretty sure she is making a choice about her body (just maybe not the choice you or I would have made). *I* would never want 20 children (nor would my body handle that, really gotta give her props for it!) but it's her uterus, not mine and if she wants to give birth to another 20, I'm not gonna judge. Her and her husband take care of their children, they appear well fed, polite, and are not being raised with the help of any government assitance, so literally her having another baby costs me nothing. Sadly she lost that baby and as many of my friends know, losing a baby is a horrible, senseless thing. There are some who said she should take that as a sign to stop. Again, not my place to tell her what to do with her uterus!
I have friends who are both pro-life and pro-choice and I love them all and either way, I try not to judge them, because it is not my place to judge anyone, I'm jsut here to be a friend.
This may not be a popular blog post, but I'm not in a popular mood so whatever!
I am pro-choice, which is not to be mistaken for pro-abortion. I truely think that it is none of my business what someone does with their uterus. Do I think abortion should be used at birth control...no, not at all (I do believe that after 2 for non medical reasons people should be put on long lasting birth control, but that is just a thought). Do I think that it is sad, yes, sad for the life that will never be, sad for the life of a woman that will be forever changed and sad for all of the childless people out there who would give an arm or a leg to have just 1 baby. But I am not perfect and should not condem other. If there is a higher power who condems such things, it is his/her job to do so, not mine.
Now, that being said, there are a lot of pro-choice people who condemed Michelle Duggar for being pregnant with her 20th baby. Really? Really? Pretty sure she is making a choice about her body (just maybe not the choice you or I would have made). *I* would never want 20 children (nor would my body handle that, really gotta give her props for it!) but it's her uterus, not mine and if she wants to give birth to another 20, I'm not gonna judge. Her and her husband take care of their children, they appear well fed, polite, and are not being raised with the help of any government assitance, so literally her having another baby costs me nothing. Sadly she lost that baby and as many of my friends know, losing a baby is a horrible, senseless thing. There are some who said she should take that as a sign to stop. Again, not my place to tell her what to do with her uterus!
I have friends who are both pro-life and pro-choice and I love them all and either way, I try not to judge them, because it is not my place to judge anyone, I'm jsut here to be a friend.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
My Dream Come True, My Cody
I am a bit behind, but being the mom of 3 boys will do that to a person. The school year has started, Cody has started Scouts once again and Shane has started Wrestling, and Casey, my sweet baby, is already 6 months old and still stealing our hearts. As promised, this blog is about my Cody.
When I got pregnant with Cody, I was not planning it, so he was a surprise, a VERY welcomed surprise. I had been in a bit of a funk before I found out. I was worried that after only a few months of dating, I was pregnant, what would Randy think. Randy welcomed the news of a baby, which was a relief. I was cautiously happy. Having lost one child already I was scared to attach to a baby that I may lose. Randy was not Christopher's father so he could not understand the feelings I was having. I would not buy anything, talk about a shower, look at baby furniture until I had my level 2 ultrasound to find out everything was ok with this baby. And it was. Everything was right on track, I was having a healthy baby (we didn't want to find out the sex, we like the surprise)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was induced on December 19th, 2003, we had a party in my room, my mom, stepmom, Randy's, many friends and both my brothers (they were in their teens back then and it was the perfect sex ed class for them...the reasons to wrap your rascal!) Cody was out after 12 hours of induction and just 16 minutes of pushing. They placed him on my chest and I was finally a mom. I was in love.
He was a mini version of me, a little clone. My mother couldn't believe it, it was uncanny how much he looked like me. She said, minus the penis, he was me!
He was the 1st great-grandbaby in several year for my Bama and Poppop and you would have thought the moon and sun set on Cody according to my Bama. She loved that little boy beyond words. He was such a happy baby, smiles for anyone, went to anyone, no stranger anxiety for him. He slept through the night at 6 weeks. He hardly ever cried, in fact my family asked me if a doctor had looked at him because it couldn't be normal to have such a happy child all the time.
I like to say he was my light, as he brightened my world and proved to me and many doctors that I could have a healthy baby. He was sunshine after years of storms. He was my dream come true. He was a good toddler, I never really dealt with the terrible 2's or 3's.
As he entered preschool it became apparent that he was what the teachers called 'emotionally immature.' He cried when things got him upset, he had meltdowns over the slightest things and was behind academically, but they all assured me he would grow out of it, that sometimes boys are a bit slow to mature.
He started Kindergarten and was tested and found to be behind academically so they offered a program called Extended Day Kindergarten where he went to his regular AM class and stayed in the afternoon for a smaller class to work on the stuff they did in the morning. I thought this would be the answer to all of his problems, if he could just catch up to his peers and mature a little all would be right in his world.
That was not the case. He caught up and was set for 1st grade and I even warned his 1st grade teacher that he was a bit of a cry baby. I think she thought I was some bitch of a mom, because at 1st she only saw a sweet boy who tried so hard. Then the honeymoon period ended and Cody started to have his meltdowns for her. We decided it was time for him to see someone to work out his issues. Thankfully I have great insurance that covers his sessions (less a $15 co pay) and a therapist who he likes a lot. At the end of the school year his teacher and I were talking about him and that his behavior is not just immaturity. Due to laws and other bureaucratic bullshit she couldn't say more, but I understood the unspoken.
Now we are in 2nd grade and things are not getting better, if anything worse. His grades are slipping, yet his teacher tells me he can get the info with 1 on 1 assistance. His emotional outbursts are becoming more and more of an issue. So I have taken the next step to have him evaluated by a neurologist (my neurologist) for ADD and what ever else she finds. I am also working on getting him an IEP to get him the consistent help he needs. He has trouble expressing his emotions correctly which we are working with his counselor with.
So those are the challenges with Cody.........but they do not define him. He is a great big brother, he loves Casey and will make silly baby noises for him. He is a hugger..his teacher can count on a hug everyday from Cody, he is caring. He still will sit on my lap just to be close to me. He loves animals, much like his parents. He reads grade levels above him and LOVES books.
All of his quirks, as I like to call them, make him Cody. They make the bad days bad and the good days even better because they are cherished that much more.
I am a mom because of Cody and I hope when he grows up he thinks he had a great mom!
When I got pregnant with Cody, I was not planning it, so he was a surprise, a VERY welcomed surprise. I had been in a bit of a funk before I found out. I was worried that after only a few months of dating, I was pregnant, what would Randy think. Randy welcomed the news of a baby, which was a relief. I was cautiously happy. Having lost one child already I was scared to attach to a baby that I may lose. Randy was not Christopher's father so he could not understand the feelings I was having. I would not buy anything, talk about a shower, look at baby furniture until I had my level 2 ultrasound to find out everything was ok with this baby. And it was. Everything was right on track, I was having a healthy baby (we didn't want to find out the sex, we like the surprise)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was induced on December 19th, 2003, we had a party in my room, my mom, stepmom, Randy's, many friends and both my brothers (they were in their teens back then and it was the perfect sex ed class for them...the reasons to wrap your rascal!) Cody was out after 12 hours of induction and just 16 minutes of pushing. They placed him on my chest and I was finally a mom. I was in love.
He was a mini version of me, a little clone. My mother couldn't believe it, it was uncanny how much he looked like me. She said, minus the penis, he was me!
He was the 1st great-grandbaby in several year for my Bama and Poppop and you would have thought the moon and sun set on Cody according to my Bama. She loved that little boy beyond words. He was such a happy baby, smiles for anyone, went to anyone, no stranger anxiety for him. He slept through the night at 6 weeks. He hardly ever cried, in fact my family asked me if a doctor had looked at him because it couldn't be normal to have such a happy child all the time.
I like to say he was my light, as he brightened my world and proved to me and many doctors that I could have a healthy baby. He was sunshine after years of storms. He was my dream come true. He was a good toddler, I never really dealt with the terrible 2's or 3's.
As he entered preschool it became apparent that he was what the teachers called 'emotionally immature.' He cried when things got him upset, he had meltdowns over the slightest things and was behind academically, but they all assured me he would grow out of it, that sometimes boys are a bit slow to mature.
He started Kindergarten and was tested and found to be behind academically so they offered a program called Extended Day Kindergarten where he went to his regular AM class and stayed in the afternoon for a smaller class to work on the stuff they did in the morning. I thought this would be the answer to all of his problems, if he could just catch up to his peers and mature a little all would be right in his world.
That was not the case. He caught up and was set for 1st grade and I even warned his 1st grade teacher that he was a bit of a cry baby. I think she thought I was some bitch of a mom, because at 1st she only saw a sweet boy who tried so hard. Then the honeymoon period ended and Cody started to have his meltdowns for her. We decided it was time for him to see someone to work out his issues. Thankfully I have great insurance that covers his sessions (less a $15 co pay) and a therapist who he likes a lot. At the end of the school year his teacher and I were talking about him and that his behavior is not just immaturity. Due to laws and other bureaucratic bullshit she couldn't say more, but I understood the unspoken.
Now we are in 2nd grade and things are not getting better, if anything worse. His grades are slipping, yet his teacher tells me he can get the info with 1 on 1 assistance. His emotional outbursts are becoming more and more of an issue. So I have taken the next step to have him evaluated by a neurologist (my neurologist) for ADD and what ever else she finds. I am also working on getting him an IEP to get him the consistent help he needs. He has trouble expressing his emotions correctly which we are working with his counselor with.
So those are the challenges with Cody.........but they do not define him. He is a great big brother, he loves Casey and will make silly baby noises for him. He is a hugger..his teacher can count on a hug everyday from Cody, he is caring. He still will sit on my lap just to be close to me. He loves animals, much like his parents. He reads grade levels above him and LOVES books.
All of his quirks, as I like to call them, make him Cody. They make the bad days bad and the good days even better because they are cherished that much more.
I am a mom because of Cody and I hope when he grows up he thinks he had a great mom!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Another Baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ever since Casey was born, actually before he was born, I wanted another baby. Sickness and 9 months of torture aside, my body was made for having babies. Inductions with 12 hours, 6 hours and less than 4 hours of labor with babies that get pushed out before the staff can ready themselves for it...that is a baby having body.
Over the last 2 days 3 friends have had babies and several others are expecting. Tonight I was packing up Casey's clothes, feeling a bit sad (ok A LOT sad) that this is the last time any of my children will wear this outfit or that one. (they shouldn't make such cute baby clothes cause they are hardly worn!)
I've not hidden the fact that I would love another baby...but there are several reasons why it is just not in the cards for us. My husbands feeling of being done and my health are the biggest.
In the mean time I will enjoy this lil sweetie I have now. The one whos face lights up when he see me, the one who is a drooling machine, who giggles when we play patty cake, who has stolen my heart just as his brothers before him.
I plan for my next blog to be about Cody...my challenge, my light, my sweet....he has a lot going on right now we are trying to sort out.
Till then!
Over the last 2 days 3 friends have had babies and several others are expecting. Tonight I was packing up Casey's clothes, feeling a bit sad (ok A LOT sad) that this is the last time any of my children will wear this outfit or that one. (they shouldn't make such cute baby clothes cause they are hardly worn!)
I've not hidden the fact that I would love another baby...but there are several reasons why it is just not in the cards for us. My husbands feeling of being done and my health are the biggest.
In the mean time I will enjoy this lil sweetie I have now. The one whos face lights up when he see me, the one who is a drooling machine, who giggles when we play patty cake, who has stolen my heart just as his brothers before him.
I plan for my next blog to be about Cody...my challenge, my light, my sweet....he has a lot going on right now we are trying to sort out.
Till then!
Monday, August 29, 2011
School Days, School Days
Next week the big boys go back to school. How did this many years pass? How is it that I have a 1st and 2nd grader? I look at Casey (who is 3 months now) and see Cody at that age. It almost feels like the 7 year old boy who stands in front of me is a stranger. It's not that I don't know him, but it's like one day I had a baby, I closed my eyes and when they opened he was a big boy. A boy who forgets to kiss his Mama goodnight, who says things under his breath, who yells at his brother, but a boy who still needs me, just not as much.
I'll be labeling their school supplies tomorrow, getting all the papers filled out, nestled in their backpacks for next Tuesday. Part of me will do this with absolute GLEE. They have been spending entirely too much time together, the bickering is non stop. There are some days (like today) I count the minutes until Randy gets home so I can run out to a store for the stupidest of things just to get a few minutes of peace. But another part of me will be sad and lonely. It will be just Casey and I all day, which will be nice, but I will miss the big boys entertaining him while I do dishes, or drawing me a picture just because.
I'm also looking forward to organizing my house while they are at school. I'm hoping to get Casey on a nap schedule (which will be a lot easier to do when his brothers are not screaming at each other and trying to kiss on him while he is sleeping) and while he is sleeping I will give myself chore to do. I think if I blog about them, it will hold me more accountable to actually getting my list done. Another thing I am looking forward to is better eating, exercising and getting not only my house, but also myself in shape.
So give me a week once school starts and let the lists begin!!!!!!!!!!
I'll be labeling their school supplies tomorrow, getting all the papers filled out, nestled in their backpacks for next Tuesday. Part of me will do this with absolute GLEE. They have been spending entirely too much time together, the bickering is non stop. There are some days (like today) I count the minutes until Randy gets home so I can run out to a store for the stupidest of things just to get a few minutes of peace. But another part of me will be sad and lonely. It will be just Casey and I all day, which will be nice, but I will miss the big boys entertaining him while I do dishes, or drawing me a picture just because.
I'm also looking forward to organizing my house while they are at school. I'm hoping to get Casey on a nap schedule (which will be a lot easier to do when his brothers are not screaming at each other and trying to kiss on him while he is sleeping) and while he is sleeping I will give myself chore to do. I think if I blog about them, it will hold me more accountable to actually getting my list done. Another thing I am looking forward to is better eating, exercising and getting not only my house, but also myself in shape.
So give me a week once school starts and let the lists begin!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
The Blue Ribbons
Driving home from work today I had to drive through Freemansburg....and all I saw up and down the road was blue ribbons....and all I did was cry.
This past week a neighboring town's police officer, while responding to a call, was shot in the head. He leaves behind a wife and 2 small children. Two children who will sadly have very little memories of their father. Who will only know him through pictures and stories. A wife who will sleep in a bed that is too big now that one person is missing.
This man and his family have been weighing heavily on my mind these past few days. Maybe it was becuase he was my age, maybe because it happened in a small boro that one would never think something like this would have happened. The night it happened all I could think was...this is any other night for so many, but for 1 family it was the end..the end of a life, the end of a husband coming home from work for dinner, the end of a father playing with his kids on the floor.... the end.
The only comfort I have is I imagine it happend so quickly that he felt no pain. But that is very little comfort as I think about his family. Usually on Friday nights we go out to dinner...this week we forgot about dinner this Friday and this morning my husband took the kids to the bank that has set up Officer Lasso's memorial fund and donated the money we would have spent on dinner. Money is little comfort to his family who I'm sure would much rather have their husband, son, father back at home tonight. But in my mind it was better than crying for him, as crying will bring his family little solice.
This past week a neighboring town's police officer, while responding to a call, was shot in the head. He leaves behind a wife and 2 small children. Two children who will sadly have very little memories of their father. Who will only know him through pictures and stories. A wife who will sleep in a bed that is too big now that one person is missing.
This man and his family have been weighing heavily on my mind these past few days. Maybe it was becuase he was my age, maybe because it happened in a small boro that one would never think something like this would have happened. The night it happened all I could think was...this is any other night for so many, but for 1 family it was the end..the end of a life, the end of a husband coming home from work for dinner, the end of a father playing with his kids on the floor.... the end.
The only comfort I have is I imagine it happend so quickly that he felt no pain. But that is very little comfort as I think about his family. Usually on Friday nights we go out to dinner...this week we forgot about dinner this Friday and this morning my husband took the kids to the bank that has set up Officer Lasso's memorial fund and donated the money we would have spent on dinner. Money is little comfort to his family who I'm sure would much rather have their husband, son, father back at home tonight. But in my mind it was better than crying for him, as crying will bring his family little solice.
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