Recently I have felt as if my batteries were running close to empty. My husband goes out every Monday night to the firehouse which has been hard for me. I work 12 hour days over the course of the weekend and when Monday rolls around I feel as if I have very little to give, I am tired and usually have somekind of paper work to do, or gorceries to restock or a doctors appointment, then I pick the kids up from school and have them all to myself for the remainder of the night. Some nights it's nice as I have a neighbor who is becoming a friend and we are able to take walks or talk outside while the kids play. But other nights I am so tired. My battery is drained and I feel like I am not the mom I am capable of. But I also understand that Randy has been home with the kids all weekend and the firehouse is something he needs to feel good about himself.
But as a mom and wife and nurse I think I give most of myself to others, leaving little for myself and often I run on a partly charged battery, wearing it down bit by bit. Which is what happened recently, my battery was just about out of juice, I was out of patience, work had been a hard these past few weekends, I was starting to get moody.
Thankfully a few friends saw this and 'took me away' to NYC for the day. Other than a lunch date we had nothing planned all day and it was wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!! No rush to be anywhere, laughing thruugh out most of the day, walking until my feet hurt so much I had to buy new shoes. I left for the city at 8am and didn't get home until close to 9pm, an entire day of adult time. No one barging into the bathroom while I'm trying to pee, no one needing help with homework, no one wondering what's for dinner, just friends, fabulous friends who I love like sisters, who I tell all my secrets to, friends who need nothing from me but friendship and give the same back in return.
So this week I was able to recharge my battery, and in doing so I hope I am a calmer, more patient person, a better nurse, wife and mother. So sometimes you have to be a little selfish to serve others. Afterall how can you give of yourself when you have nothing left to give?
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
Time Warp
I feel as if I am in a time warp. My children are becoming little men before my eyes. Cody, like I mentioned before, is coming out of his shell, if I we had known 3 years ago, we may have had a different little boy on our hands. Shane is SO smart, like spelling tests at 100%, math score above 90% and it does it all without trying. And Casey, my baby, who is starting to become a little boy in front of my eyes, a temper tantrum thowing, crawling, smiling big boy.
I feel as if it was just a year ago that C was a baby and I was a first time mom learning to navigate this little man I had been given. I remember for so long after having him, he didn't seem real. I was waiting for someone to come and take him and thank me for watching their baby. But no one did, this was my baby. Then I was a new mom trying to figure out how to handle a newborn and a 14mo old, how to give them the constant love and attention they commanded. How can they be 8 and just about 7? And my baby, wasn't I miserably pregnant just a minute ago? Now I have a 9 month old.
It feels as if I have been sucked into a time warp, but really it is just the passing of time.
I feel as if it was just a year ago that C was a baby and I was a first time mom learning to navigate this little man I had been given. I remember for so long after having him, he didn't seem real. I was waiting for someone to come and take him and thank me for watching their baby. But no one did, this was my baby. Then I was a new mom trying to figure out how to handle a newborn and a 14mo old, how to give them the constant love and attention they commanded. How can they be 8 and just about 7? And my baby, wasn't I miserably pregnant just a minute ago? Now I have a 9 month old.
It feels as if I have been sucked into a time warp, but really it is just the passing of time.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Progress
And I'll take it!
Cody has now been medicated for a week and while it takes 2 weeks to get 'therapeutic' levels in his system I am seeing changes already. Are they changes because the meds are working, changes because I WANT (no, need) to see changes, or changes because all those who care for Cody can understand him better now that we have a diagnosis? It might be a little of each, but it is progress and I'll take it.
The dr had given us info to read about Asbergers and after my initial reaction last week, I gave it a few days and read it all, devoured it like a juicy steak. And as I read it I wondered who installed a camera in my sons brain because just about everything I read was CODY, it was like the article had studied him. Lights, bells and whistles went off in MY brain as I was starting to understand Cody's quirks, his actions started making sense.
This past weekend the boys were invited to a neighbors birthday party. I was able to pop over in between patients to see them. Cody and Shane were the only boys initially there and Shane flowed right in, he started flirting with all the girls, making himself at home with his friends. Now, most of these kids were Shane's grade as was the Birthday girl, so he knew them from classes and Cody is a year older. I purposely watched Cody to see how he interacted and he didn't. He hung out in the back of the group, with his hands folded in front of him, watching what was going on, but never jumping in. Nevertheless, Cody seemed to be enjoying himself. He even played musical chairs with all the kids, and when it came down to him and the last little girl, Randy turned to me and said "Oh, here comes a meltdown" and I started to worry....unnecessarily as Cody ended up winning, but I wonder now if he really would have had a meltdown.
After all we are making progress
Cody has now been medicated for a week and while it takes 2 weeks to get 'therapeutic' levels in his system I am seeing changes already. Are they changes because the meds are working, changes because I WANT (no, need) to see changes, or changes because all those who care for Cody can understand him better now that we have a diagnosis? It might be a little of each, but it is progress and I'll take it.
The dr had given us info to read about Asbergers and after my initial reaction last week, I gave it a few days and read it all, devoured it like a juicy steak. And as I read it I wondered who installed a camera in my sons brain because just about everything I read was CODY, it was like the article had studied him. Lights, bells and whistles went off in MY brain as I was starting to understand Cody's quirks, his actions started making sense.
This past weekend the boys were invited to a neighbors birthday party. I was able to pop over in between patients to see them. Cody and Shane were the only boys initially there and Shane flowed right in, he started flirting with all the girls, making himself at home with his friends. Now, most of these kids were Shane's grade as was the Birthday girl, so he knew them from classes and Cody is a year older. I purposely watched Cody to see how he interacted and he didn't. He hung out in the back of the group, with his hands folded in front of him, watching what was going on, but never jumping in. Nevertheless, Cody seemed to be enjoying himself. He even played musical chairs with all the kids, and when it came down to him and the last little girl, Randy turned to me and said "Oh, here comes a meltdown" and I started to worry....unnecessarily as Cody ended up winning, but I wonder now if he really would have had a meltdown.
After all we are making progress
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sucker Punch to the Gut
That is pretty much how I feel right now, like someone sucker punched my gut this morning.
For quite some time I have felt something is wrong with Cody. He often has emotional outbursts, can't control his emotions, hasn't been bringing home good test scores. This has been clear to me since he was in pre-school, but Iwas always told it was 'emotional immaturity', he would grow out of it. But he hasn't. So about 2 years ago we started him in therapy and he was doing a little better. We worked on coping skills, "Count to 10 and start again" "Is this a big deal or a little deal" "Take a deep breath" but really we were only putting a bandaide on the steady bleed of my son's emotions.
So today we went to see a child psychiatrist and we got a diagnosis. Attention Deficit- HyperActivity disorder (ADHD), anxiety, and Asbergers (which for those who don't know is a high functioning form of Autism). While I has suspected these things, actually hearing them was a gut wrenching feeling. Hearing my son was austistic was something I did not process in her office, I smiled, nodded, told her I suspected as much, but deep down my stomach felt like it had a huge pit in it. I know things could be so much worse, I could have been getting a diagnosis of cancer for my child, or some other terrible disease, but no parent EVER wants A diagnosis, ANY diagnosis for their child.
After dropping Cody off at school I said to Randy, "I'm not sure if I am relieved we have a diagnosis and therefore a treatment, or if I want to cry because our son is not normal" His response "Who really is normal?" And while he is right, we all have 'something' life is hard enough, now for my son it will always be harder. He will always have to have meds to control his moods and anxiety, he will be labeled, he will in general have a harder time with things becuase his view of our world is a bit different.
Tonight we will start him on medication that I am hoping, praying will help him and I will do what I am trained to do as a nurse, research, research, research. The mom in me will cry today, get it out of my system and tomorrow I move one to being an advocate for my son.
For quite some time I have felt something is wrong with Cody. He often has emotional outbursts, can't control his emotions, hasn't been bringing home good test scores. This has been clear to me since he was in pre-school, but Iwas always told it was 'emotional immaturity', he would grow out of it. But he hasn't. So about 2 years ago we started him in therapy and he was doing a little better. We worked on coping skills, "Count to 10 and start again" "Is this a big deal or a little deal" "Take a deep breath" but really we were only putting a bandaide on the steady bleed of my son's emotions.
So today we went to see a child psychiatrist and we got a diagnosis. Attention Deficit- HyperActivity disorder (ADHD), anxiety, and Asbergers (which for those who don't know is a high functioning form of Autism). While I has suspected these things, actually hearing them was a gut wrenching feeling. Hearing my son was austistic was something I did not process in her office, I smiled, nodded, told her I suspected as much, but deep down my stomach felt like it had a huge pit in it. I know things could be so much worse, I could have been getting a diagnosis of cancer for my child, or some other terrible disease, but no parent EVER wants A diagnosis, ANY diagnosis for their child.
After dropping Cody off at school I said to Randy, "I'm not sure if I am relieved we have a diagnosis and therefore a treatment, or if I want to cry because our son is not normal" His response "Who really is normal?" And while he is right, we all have 'something' life is hard enough, now for my son it will always be harder. He will always have to have meds to control his moods and anxiety, he will be labeled, he will in general have a harder time with things becuase his view of our world is a bit different.
Tonight we will start him on medication that I am hoping, praying will help him and I will do what I am trained to do as a nurse, research, research, research. The mom in me will cry today, get it out of my system and tomorrow I move one to being an advocate for my son.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I got that bug...you know the one that starts with M
and ends with ICKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh yes, I have the Disney bug again.
In the past, this is the time I would have started planning a trip for fall of this year, sadly I'm not sure if it is in the cards for us this year. In the past we have used our tax return to pay a big chunk of the trip, but this year whatever tax return we get will go towrds paying down debt. I know a crappy way to spend money, well maybe not crappy, but unfun. I promised myself we would budget this year and stop wasting money, so that is my goal, so my date with the mouse must wait.
I have several goals for this year and I am going to post them here and will cehck in time to time to let you all (hahahaha)know how it's going.
*Loose 20lbs (40 would be great, but that would just be a ‘diet’ not changing how I am eating)
*Exercise more (not necessarily to lose weight, but to feel better)
*Get all my bills filed away and decrease the paper clutter they create (I literally have 3 years to file, but never had the time before to do)
*Get caught up on all of our bills and NOT fall behind again! (hopefully our tax return will help with this and we can start to save money by not paying late fees)
Coupon more
*Stop buying things because they are on sale without a purpose in mind (while I love saving money, I have an attic full of ‘great deals’ that have no home….not so much of a great deal now!)
*Budget better
*Get the front porch cleaned up and turned into a craft/reading room
*Start a savings fund for a new roof (exciting, I know!)
*Start a savings fund for vacation (even if it is $5 a week, that’s $20 a month and over $200 for the year!)
*Be better about mailing out B-day cards to friends and loved ones, with personal notes in them
*Go through my closet and WEED out!
In thinking about it, I should print this out so I can see it everyday and keep my goals at the front of my mind.
In fact, I am going to get off the computer and try to do something on my goal list!
In the past, this is the time I would have started planning a trip for fall of this year, sadly I'm not sure if it is in the cards for us this year. In the past we have used our tax return to pay a big chunk of the trip, but this year whatever tax return we get will go towrds paying down debt. I know a crappy way to spend money, well maybe not crappy, but unfun. I promised myself we would budget this year and stop wasting money, so that is my goal, so my date with the mouse must wait.
I have several goals for this year and I am going to post them here and will cehck in time to time to let you all (hahahaha)know how it's going.
*Loose 20lbs (40 would be great, but that would just be a ‘diet’ not changing how I am eating)
*Exercise more (not necessarily to lose weight, but to feel better)
*Get all my bills filed away and decrease the paper clutter they create (I literally have 3 years to file, but never had the time before to do)
*Get caught up on all of our bills and NOT fall behind again! (hopefully our tax return will help with this and we can start to save money by not paying late fees)
Coupon more
*Stop buying things because they are on sale without a purpose in mind (while I love saving money, I have an attic full of ‘great deals’ that have no home….not so much of a great deal now!)
*Budget better
*Get the front porch cleaned up and turned into a craft/reading room
*Start a savings fund for a new roof (exciting, I know!)
*Start a savings fund for vacation (even if it is $5 a week, that’s $20 a month and over $200 for the year!)
*Be better about mailing out B-day cards to friends and loved ones, with personal notes in them
*Go through my closet and WEED out!
In thinking about it, I should print this out so I can see it everyday and keep my goals at the front of my mind.
In fact, I am going to get off the computer and try to do something on my goal list!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
I promise, if you stay out of mine, I'll stay out of yours
Uterus that is.
This may not be a popular blog post, but I'm not in a popular mood so whatever!
I am pro-choice, which is not to be mistaken for pro-abortion. I truely think that it is none of my business what someone does with their uterus. Do I think abortion should be used at birth control...no, not at all (I do believe that after 2 for non medical reasons people should be put on long lasting birth control, but that is just a thought). Do I think that it is sad, yes, sad for the life that will never be, sad for the life of a woman that will be forever changed and sad for all of the childless people out there who would give an arm or a leg to have just 1 baby. But I am not perfect and should not condem other. If there is a higher power who condems such things, it is his/her job to do so, not mine.
Now, that being said, there are a lot of pro-choice people who condemed Michelle Duggar for being pregnant with her 20th baby. Really? Really? Pretty sure she is making a choice about her body (just maybe not the choice you or I would have made). *I* would never want 20 children (nor would my body handle that, really gotta give her props for it!) but it's her uterus, not mine and if she wants to give birth to another 20, I'm not gonna judge. Her and her husband take care of their children, they appear well fed, polite, and are not being raised with the help of any government assitance, so literally her having another baby costs me nothing. Sadly she lost that baby and as many of my friends know, losing a baby is a horrible, senseless thing. There are some who said she should take that as a sign to stop. Again, not my place to tell her what to do with her uterus!
I have friends who are both pro-life and pro-choice and I love them all and either way, I try not to judge them, because it is not my place to judge anyone, I'm jsut here to be a friend.
This may not be a popular blog post, but I'm not in a popular mood so whatever!
I am pro-choice, which is not to be mistaken for pro-abortion. I truely think that it is none of my business what someone does with their uterus. Do I think abortion should be used at birth control...no, not at all (I do believe that after 2 for non medical reasons people should be put on long lasting birth control, but that is just a thought). Do I think that it is sad, yes, sad for the life that will never be, sad for the life of a woman that will be forever changed and sad for all of the childless people out there who would give an arm or a leg to have just 1 baby. But I am not perfect and should not condem other. If there is a higher power who condems such things, it is his/her job to do so, not mine.
Now, that being said, there are a lot of pro-choice people who condemed Michelle Duggar for being pregnant with her 20th baby. Really? Really? Pretty sure she is making a choice about her body (just maybe not the choice you or I would have made). *I* would never want 20 children (nor would my body handle that, really gotta give her props for it!) but it's her uterus, not mine and if she wants to give birth to another 20, I'm not gonna judge. Her and her husband take care of their children, they appear well fed, polite, and are not being raised with the help of any government assitance, so literally her having another baby costs me nothing. Sadly she lost that baby and as many of my friends know, losing a baby is a horrible, senseless thing. There are some who said she should take that as a sign to stop. Again, not my place to tell her what to do with her uterus!
I have friends who are both pro-life and pro-choice and I love them all and either way, I try not to judge them, because it is not my place to judge anyone, I'm jsut here to be a friend.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
My Dream Come True, My Cody
I am a bit behind, but being the mom of 3 boys will do that to a person. The school year has started, Cody has started Scouts once again and Shane has started Wrestling, and Casey, my sweet baby, is already 6 months old and still stealing our hearts. As promised, this blog is about my Cody.
When I got pregnant with Cody, I was not planning it, so he was a surprise, a VERY welcomed surprise. I had been in a bit of a funk before I found out. I was worried that after only a few months of dating, I was pregnant, what would Randy think. Randy welcomed the news of a baby, which was a relief. I was cautiously happy. Having lost one child already I was scared to attach to a baby that I may lose. Randy was not Christopher's father so he could not understand the feelings I was having. I would not buy anything, talk about a shower, look at baby furniture until I had my level 2 ultrasound to find out everything was ok with this baby. And it was. Everything was right on track, I was having a healthy baby (we didn't want to find out the sex, we like the surprise)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was induced on December 19th, 2003, we had a party in my room, my mom, stepmom, Randy's, many friends and both my brothers (they were in their teens back then and it was the perfect sex ed class for them...the reasons to wrap your rascal!) Cody was out after 12 hours of induction and just 16 minutes of pushing. They placed him on my chest and I was finally a mom. I was in love.
He was a mini version of me, a little clone. My mother couldn't believe it, it was uncanny how much he looked like me. She said, minus the penis, he was me!
He was the 1st great-grandbaby in several year for my Bama and Poppop and you would have thought the moon and sun set on Cody according to my Bama. She loved that little boy beyond words. He was such a happy baby, smiles for anyone, went to anyone, no stranger anxiety for him. He slept through the night at 6 weeks. He hardly ever cried, in fact my family asked me if a doctor had looked at him because it couldn't be normal to have such a happy child all the time.
I like to say he was my light, as he brightened my world and proved to me and many doctors that I could have a healthy baby. He was sunshine after years of storms. He was my dream come true. He was a good toddler, I never really dealt with the terrible 2's or 3's.
As he entered preschool it became apparent that he was what the teachers called 'emotionally immature.' He cried when things got him upset, he had meltdowns over the slightest things and was behind academically, but they all assured me he would grow out of it, that sometimes boys are a bit slow to mature.
He started Kindergarten and was tested and found to be behind academically so they offered a program called Extended Day Kindergarten where he went to his regular AM class and stayed in the afternoon for a smaller class to work on the stuff they did in the morning. I thought this would be the answer to all of his problems, if he could just catch up to his peers and mature a little all would be right in his world.
That was not the case. He caught up and was set for 1st grade and I even warned his 1st grade teacher that he was a bit of a cry baby. I think she thought I was some bitch of a mom, because at 1st she only saw a sweet boy who tried so hard. Then the honeymoon period ended and Cody started to have his meltdowns for her. We decided it was time for him to see someone to work out his issues. Thankfully I have great insurance that covers his sessions (less a $15 co pay) and a therapist who he likes a lot. At the end of the school year his teacher and I were talking about him and that his behavior is not just immaturity. Due to laws and other bureaucratic bullshit she couldn't say more, but I understood the unspoken.
Now we are in 2nd grade and things are not getting better, if anything worse. His grades are slipping, yet his teacher tells me he can get the info with 1 on 1 assistance. His emotional outbursts are becoming more and more of an issue. So I have taken the next step to have him evaluated by a neurologist (my neurologist) for ADD and what ever else she finds. I am also working on getting him an IEP to get him the consistent help he needs. He has trouble expressing his emotions correctly which we are working with his counselor with.
So those are the challenges with Cody.........but they do not define him. He is a great big brother, he loves Casey and will make silly baby noises for him. He is a hugger..his teacher can count on a hug everyday from Cody, he is caring. He still will sit on my lap just to be close to me. He loves animals, much like his parents. He reads grade levels above him and LOVES books.
All of his quirks, as I like to call them, make him Cody. They make the bad days bad and the good days even better because they are cherished that much more.
I am a mom because of Cody and I hope when he grows up he thinks he had a great mom!
When I got pregnant with Cody, I was not planning it, so he was a surprise, a VERY welcomed surprise. I had been in a bit of a funk before I found out. I was worried that after only a few months of dating, I was pregnant, what would Randy think. Randy welcomed the news of a baby, which was a relief. I was cautiously happy. Having lost one child already I was scared to attach to a baby that I may lose. Randy was not Christopher's father so he could not understand the feelings I was having. I would not buy anything, talk about a shower, look at baby furniture until I had my level 2 ultrasound to find out everything was ok with this baby. And it was. Everything was right on track, I was having a healthy baby (we didn't want to find out the sex, we like the surprise)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was induced on December 19th, 2003, we had a party in my room, my mom, stepmom, Randy's, many friends and both my brothers (they were in their teens back then and it was the perfect sex ed class for them...the reasons to wrap your rascal!) Cody was out after 12 hours of induction and just 16 minutes of pushing. They placed him on my chest and I was finally a mom. I was in love.
He was a mini version of me, a little clone. My mother couldn't believe it, it was uncanny how much he looked like me. She said, minus the penis, he was me!
He was the 1st great-grandbaby in several year for my Bama and Poppop and you would have thought the moon and sun set on Cody according to my Bama. She loved that little boy beyond words. He was such a happy baby, smiles for anyone, went to anyone, no stranger anxiety for him. He slept through the night at 6 weeks. He hardly ever cried, in fact my family asked me if a doctor had looked at him because it couldn't be normal to have such a happy child all the time.
I like to say he was my light, as he brightened my world and proved to me and many doctors that I could have a healthy baby. He was sunshine after years of storms. He was my dream come true. He was a good toddler, I never really dealt with the terrible 2's or 3's.
As he entered preschool it became apparent that he was what the teachers called 'emotionally immature.' He cried when things got him upset, he had meltdowns over the slightest things and was behind academically, but they all assured me he would grow out of it, that sometimes boys are a bit slow to mature.
He started Kindergarten and was tested and found to be behind academically so they offered a program called Extended Day Kindergarten where he went to his regular AM class and stayed in the afternoon for a smaller class to work on the stuff they did in the morning. I thought this would be the answer to all of his problems, if he could just catch up to his peers and mature a little all would be right in his world.
That was not the case. He caught up and was set for 1st grade and I even warned his 1st grade teacher that he was a bit of a cry baby. I think she thought I was some bitch of a mom, because at 1st she only saw a sweet boy who tried so hard. Then the honeymoon period ended and Cody started to have his meltdowns for her. We decided it was time for him to see someone to work out his issues. Thankfully I have great insurance that covers his sessions (less a $15 co pay) and a therapist who he likes a lot. At the end of the school year his teacher and I were talking about him and that his behavior is not just immaturity. Due to laws and other bureaucratic bullshit she couldn't say more, but I understood the unspoken.
Now we are in 2nd grade and things are not getting better, if anything worse. His grades are slipping, yet his teacher tells me he can get the info with 1 on 1 assistance. His emotional outbursts are becoming more and more of an issue. So I have taken the next step to have him evaluated by a neurologist (my neurologist) for ADD and what ever else she finds. I am also working on getting him an IEP to get him the consistent help he needs. He has trouble expressing his emotions correctly which we are working with his counselor with.
So those are the challenges with Cody.........but they do not define him. He is a great big brother, he loves Casey and will make silly baby noises for him. He is a hugger..his teacher can count on a hug everyday from Cody, he is caring. He still will sit on my lap just to be close to me. He loves animals, much like his parents. He reads grade levels above him and LOVES books.
All of his quirks, as I like to call them, make him Cody. They make the bad days bad and the good days even better because they are cherished that much more.
I am a mom because of Cody and I hope when he grows up he thinks he had a great mom!
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