I am a bit behind, but being the mom of 3 boys will do that to a person. The school year has started, Cody has started Scouts once again and Shane has started Wrestling, and Casey, my sweet baby, is already 6 months old and still stealing our hearts. As promised, this blog is about my Cody.
When I got pregnant with Cody, I was not planning it, so he was a surprise, a VERY welcomed surprise. I had been in a bit of a funk before I found out. I was worried that after only a few months of dating, I was pregnant, what would Randy think. Randy welcomed the news of a baby, which was a relief. I was cautiously happy. Having lost one child already I was scared to attach to a baby that I may lose. Randy was not Christopher's father so he could not understand the feelings I was having. I would not buy anything, talk about a shower, look at baby furniture until I had my level 2 ultrasound to find out everything was ok with this baby. And it was. Everything was right on track, I was having a healthy baby (we didn't want to find out the sex, we like the surprise)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was induced on December 19th, 2003, we had a party in my room, my mom, stepmom, Randy's, many friends and both my brothers (they were in their teens back then and it was the perfect sex ed class for them...the reasons to wrap your rascal!) Cody was out after 12 hours of induction and just 16 minutes of pushing. They placed him on my chest and I was finally a mom. I was in love.
He was a mini version of me, a little clone. My mother couldn't believe it, it was uncanny how much he looked like me. She said, minus the penis, he was me!
He was the 1st great-grandbaby in several year for my Bama and Poppop and you would have thought the moon and sun set on Cody according to my Bama. She loved that little boy beyond words. He was such a happy baby, smiles for anyone, went to anyone, no stranger anxiety for him. He slept through the night at 6 weeks. He hardly ever cried, in fact my family asked me if a doctor had looked at him because it couldn't be normal to have such a happy child all the time.
I like to say he was my light, as he brightened my world and proved to me and many doctors that I could have a healthy baby. He was sunshine after years of storms. He was my dream come true. He was a good toddler, I never really dealt with the terrible 2's or 3's.
As he entered preschool it became apparent that he was what the teachers called 'emotionally immature.' He cried when things got him upset, he had meltdowns over the slightest things and was behind academically, but they all assured me he would grow out of it, that sometimes boys are a bit slow to mature.
He started Kindergarten and was tested and found to be behind academically so they offered a program called Extended Day Kindergarten where he went to his regular AM class and stayed in the afternoon for a smaller class to work on the stuff they did in the morning. I thought this would be the answer to all of his problems, if he could just catch up to his peers and mature a little all would be right in his world.
That was not the case. He caught up and was set for 1st grade and I even warned his 1st grade teacher that he was a bit of a cry baby. I think she thought I was some bitch of a mom, because at 1st she only saw a sweet boy who tried so hard. Then the honeymoon period ended and Cody started to have his meltdowns for her. We decided it was time for him to see someone to work out his issues. Thankfully I have great insurance that covers his sessions (less a $15 co pay) and a therapist who he likes a lot. At the end of the school year his teacher and I were talking about him and that his behavior is not just immaturity. Due to laws and other bureaucratic bullshit she couldn't say more, but I understood the unspoken.
Now we are in 2nd grade and things are not getting better, if anything worse. His grades are slipping, yet his teacher tells me he can get the info with 1 on 1 assistance. His emotional outbursts are becoming more and more of an issue. So I have taken the next step to have him evaluated by a neurologist (my neurologist) for ADD and what ever else she finds. I am also working on getting him an IEP to get him the consistent help he needs. He has trouble expressing his emotions correctly which we are working with his counselor with.
So those are the challenges with Cody.........but they do not define him. He is a great big brother, he loves Casey and will make silly baby noises for him. He is a hugger..his teacher can count on a hug everyday from Cody, he is caring. He still will sit on my lap just to be close to me. He loves animals, much like his parents. He reads grade levels above him and LOVES books.
All of his quirks, as I like to call them, make him Cody. They make the bad days bad and the good days even better because they are cherished that much more.
I am a mom because of Cody and I hope when he grows up he thinks he had a great mom!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Another Baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ever since Casey was born, actually before he was born, I wanted another baby. Sickness and 9 months of torture aside, my body was made for having babies. Inductions with 12 hours, 6 hours and less than 4 hours of labor with babies that get pushed out before the staff can ready themselves for it...that is a baby having body.
Over the last 2 days 3 friends have had babies and several others are expecting. Tonight I was packing up Casey's clothes, feeling a bit sad (ok A LOT sad) that this is the last time any of my children will wear this outfit or that one. (they shouldn't make such cute baby clothes cause they are hardly worn!)
I've not hidden the fact that I would love another baby...but there are several reasons why it is just not in the cards for us. My husbands feeling of being done and my health are the biggest.
In the mean time I will enjoy this lil sweetie I have now. The one whos face lights up when he see me, the one who is a drooling machine, who giggles when we play patty cake, who has stolen my heart just as his brothers before him.
I plan for my next blog to be about Cody...my challenge, my light, my sweet....he has a lot going on right now we are trying to sort out.
Till then!
Over the last 2 days 3 friends have had babies and several others are expecting. Tonight I was packing up Casey's clothes, feeling a bit sad (ok A LOT sad) that this is the last time any of my children will wear this outfit or that one. (they shouldn't make such cute baby clothes cause they are hardly worn!)
I've not hidden the fact that I would love another baby...but there are several reasons why it is just not in the cards for us. My husbands feeling of being done and my health are the biggest.
In the mean time I will enjoy this lil sweetie I have now. The one whos face lights up when he see me, the one who is a drooling machine, who giggles when we play patty cake, who has stolen my heart just as his brothers before him.
I plan for my next blog to be about Cody...my challenge, my light, my sweet....he has a lot going on right now we are trying to sort out.
Till then!
Monday, August 29, 2011
School Days, School Days
Next week the big boys go back to school. How did this many years pass? How is it that I have a 1st and 2nd grader? I look at Casey (who is 3 months now) and see Cody at that age. It almost feels like the 7 year old boy who stands in front of me is a stranger. It's not that I don't know him, but it's like one day I had a baby, I closed my eyes and when they opened he was a big boy. A boy who forgets to kiss his Mama goodnight, who says things under his breath, who yells at his brother, but a boy who still needs me, just not as much.
I'll be labeling their school supplies tomorrow, getting all the papers filled out, nestled in their backpacks for next Tuesday. Part of me will do this with absolute GLEE. They have been spending entirely too much time together, the bickering is non stop. There are some days (like today) I count the minutes until Randy gets home so I can run out to a store for the stupidest of things just to get a few minutes of peace. But another part of me will be sad and lonely. It will be just Casey and I all day, which will be nice, but I will miss the big boys entertaining him while I do dishes, or drawing me a picture just because.
I'm also looking forward to organizing my house while they are at school. I'm hoping to get Casey on a nap schedule (which will be a lot easier to do when his brothers are not screaming at each other and trying to kiss on him while he is sleeping) and while he is sleeping I will give myself chore to do. I think if I blog about them, it will hold me more accountable to actually getting my list done. Another thing I am looking forward to is better eating, exercising and getting not only my house, but also myself in shape.
So give me a week once school starts and let the lists begin!!!!!!!!!!
I'll be labeling their school supplies tomorrow, getting all the papers filled out, nestled in their backpacks for next Tuesday. Part of me will do this with absolute GLEE. They have been spending entirely too much time together, the bickering is non stop. There are some days (like today) I count the minutes until Randy gets home so I can run out to a store for the stupidest of things just to get a few minutes of peace. But another part of me will be sad and lonely. It will be just Casey and I all day, which will be nice, but I will miss the big boys entertaining him while I do dishes, or drawing me a picture just because.
I'm also looking forward to organizing my house while they are at school. I'm hoping to get Casey on a nap schedule (which will be a lot easier to do when his brothers are not screaming at each other and trying to kiss on him while he is sleeping) and while he is sleeping I will give myself chore to do. I think if I blog about them, it will hold me more accountable to actually getting my list done. Another thing I am looking forward to is better eating, exercising and getting not only my house, but also myself in shape.
So give me a week once school starts and let the lists begin!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
The Blue Ribbons
Driving home from work today I had to drive through Freemansburg....and all I saw up and down the road was blue ribbons....and all I did was cry.
This past week a neighboring town's police officer, while responding to a call, was shot in the head. He leaves behind a wife and 2 small children. Two children who will sadly have very little memories of their father. Who will only know him through pictures and stories. A wife who will sleep in a bed that is too big now that one person is missing.
This man and his family have been weighing heavily on my mind these past few days. Maybe it was becuase he was my age, maybe because it happened in a small boro that one would never think something like this would have happened. The night it happened all I could think was...this is any other night for so many, but for 1 family it was the end..the end of a life, the end of a husband coming home from work for dinner, the end of a father playing with his kids on the floor.... the end.
The only comfort I have is I imagine it happend so quickly that he felt no pain. But that is very little comfort as I think about his family. Usually on Friday nights we go out to dinner...this week we forgot about dinner this Friday and this morning my husband took the kids to the bank that has set up Officer Lasso's memorial fund and donated the money we would have spent on dinner. Money is little comfort to his family who I'm sure would much rather have their husband, son, father back at home tonight. But in my mind it was better than crying for him, as crying will bring his family little solice.
This past week a neighboring town's police officer, while responding to a call, was shot in the head. He leaves behind a wife and 2 small children. Two children who will sadly have very little memories of their father. Who will only know him through pictures and stories. A wife who will sleep in a bed that is too big now that one person is missing.
This man and his family have been weighing heavily on my mind these past few days. Maybe it was becuase he was my age, maybe because it happened in a small boro that one would never think something like this would have happened. The night it happened all I could think was...this is any other night for so many, but for 1 family it was the end..the end of a life, the end of a husband coming home from work for dinner, the end of a father playing with his kids on the floor.... the end.
The only comfort I have is I imagine it happend so quickly that he felt no pain. But that is very little comfort as I think about his family. Usually on Friday nights we go out to dinner...this week we forgot about dinner this Friday and this morning my husband took the kids to the bank that has set up Officer Lasso's memorial fund and donated the money we would have spent on dinner. Money is little comfort to his family who I'm sure would much rather have their husband, son, father back at home tonight. But in my mind it was better than crying for him, as crying will bring his family little solice.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
And what happened to july?
No, really....what happened to it. I blinked and it was gone! Oh that's right, 10 day in OBX, 4 days in CT, 3 days in NY, I guess it got sucked in.
Our trip to OBX was amazing, I hope to write a post about that all on it's own, but it was a great realxing time with wonderful people!
The yearly treck to CT was as wonderful as ever. It's amazing that such saddness brought me to so many soul sisters. For me, it's like going home, going to that safe place that home represents. A lot of these women knew me as a lonely lost girl and guided me to the woman and mother I am today.
We spent a few days with my mom, as she is planning on moving to Las Vegas next years so I am trying to soak up time with her.
And here we are in the begining of Augiust. I wonder if this month will pass by so quickly. In ways I hope it does, I would love to get into a routine with lil tan man, but that also means the big boys are back in school...which depending on the day could make me very happy or a little sad!
Our trip to OBX was amazing, I hope to write a post about that all on it's own, but it was a great realxing time with wonderful people!
The yearly treck to CT was as wonderful as ever. It's amazing that such saddness brought me to so many soul sisters. For me, it's like going home, going to that safe place that home represents. A lot of these women knew me as a lonely lost girl and guided me to the woman and mother I am today.
We spent a few days with my mom, as she is planning on moving to Las Vegas next years so I am trying to soak up time with her.
And here we are in the begining of Augiust. I wonder if this month will pass by so quickly. In ways I hope it does, I would love to get into a routine with lil tan man, but that also means the big boys are back in school...which depending on the day could make me very happy or a little sad!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Summer Vacation, a test of my patience and sanity
I figure if I can survive summer vacation with the 3 boys, I can survive anything. I am still dealing with the postpartum depression, but have accepted it as part of my life at this time. It is what it is.
Today was the 1st day home, all day, of summer vacation. My mom is due to come for a visit later today, which has me stressed out enough, knowing she will 'yell' at me for the condition of the living room. Oh well, I guess some things never change.
The day started with me going to bed at 1am, Casey waking up at 2, 3, 5, 6 and 7am. Randy coming in at 7:30 to ask me for a check for a dr appt he had, why he didn't think to ask for this LAST night, rather than waking his sleep deprived wife up, I do not know. I was able to fall back to sleep, baby and I, until 9:15. Of course Casey woke up crying, which in turn woke up a sleeping Shane. Dang it!
We had breakfast, Cody and Shane wated some shows on Netflix, took turns fighting over whose turn it was to pick the show, Cody threw the remote at Shane in anger, and got sent to his room.....ahhhhh, peace and quiet! Until a half hour later when I remembered Cody was in his room and allowed him to come down.
I have some plans for the summer, this weekend we will be leaving for OBX for 10 days!!! Which means Daddy will be there the help wrangle the tribe. After that I will brave taking all 3 boys to CT to see a bunch of friends. I hope then to get a pool membership, as it is only a few block away. We went to the library last Friday and may make that a thurs/friday thing. I have crafts for them to do, but want to get the house cleaned up 1st, but on 2nd hand I better let them do the crafts since the house will NEVER be ALL cleaned up!
Oh, looky there, it's lunch time. The boys requested mac and cheese with hot dogs mixed in, a favorite of theirs and I had left overs. Right now they are playing, nicely, but I am in waiting for the fighting to begin because "He took the Zhu zhu I was playing with" or other such dumbness. Casey is napping on the couch and I just realized that Mom will be here soon, and my 2 oldest kids have been running around naked all morning and the littlest one is only in a diaper. Guess I shou.....oh, it has started "Hey, that was my eye" as he takes his fingers and jabs them into his brothers eye for paybacks........anyway, I guess I should step away from the computer, make sure no one is blind and get my kids dressed.
Today was the 1st day home, all day, of summer vacation. My mom is due to come for a visit later today, which has me stressed out enough, knowing she will 'yell' at me for the condition of the living room. Oh well, I guess some things never change.
The day started with me going to bed at 1am, Casey waking up at 2, 3, 5, 6 and 7am. Randy coming in at 7:30 to ask me for a check for a dr appt he had, why he didn't think to ask for this LAST night, rather than waking his sleep deprived wife up, I do not know. I was able to fall back to sleep, baby and I, until 9:15. Of course Casey woke up crying, which in turn woke up a sleeping Shane. Dang it!
We had breakfast, Cody and Shane wated some shows on Netflix, took turns fighting over whose turn it was to pick the show, Cody threw the remote at Shane in anger, and got sent to his room.....ahhhhh, peace and quiet! Until a half hour later when I remembered Cody was in his room and allowed him to come down.
I have some plans for the summer, this weekend we will be leaving for OBX for 10 days!!! Which means Daddy will be there the help wrangle the tribe. After that I will brave taking all 3 boys to CT to see a bunch of friends. I hope then to get a pool membership, as it is only a few block away. We went to the library last Friday and may make that a thurs/friday thing. I have crafts for them to do, but want to get the house cleaned up 1st, but on 2nd hand I better let them do the crafts since the house will NEVER be ALL cleaned up!
Oh, looky there, it's lunch time. The boys requested mac and cheese with hot dogs mixed in, a favorite of theirs and I had left overs. Right now they are playing, nicely, but I am in waiting for the fighting to begin because "He took the Zhu zhu I was playing with" or other such dumbness. Casey is napping on the couch and I just realized that Mom will be here soon, and my 2 oldest kids have been running around naked all morning and the littlest one is only in a diaper. Guess I shou.....oh, it has started "Hey, that was my eye" as he takes his fingers and jabs them into his brothers eye for paybacks........anyway, I guess I should step away from the computer, make sure no one is blind and get my kids dressed.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Post Partum Depression..it SUCKS!
I sit here watching some baby show on TLC, crying my eyes out. That is pretty much my life lately, crying my eyes out. I have been formally diagnosed with PPD. I hesitated writing this blog, about THIS subject as who really wants to hear it? But I know of so many who have suffered in silence with the same thing.
I have so many people ask me daily "How are you feeling?" My standard reply is "ok" as I highly doubt anyone wants to hear about how sad I am, how tired, how scared. But I also know there is no shame in having PPD. SO I break the silence. Sure, plenty of women have babies and have no issues with postpartum, and they have no idea how lucky they are. I wish upon wish that I could enjoy this time with my new baby, the last chance I have with being a new mom. I wish my day wasn't spent tearing up at the littlest thing, worring that something will happen to my lil man, being so tired that I can barely function. But that is my day.
I have such anxiety that my littlest man will leave me before his time, morbid as it may seem. I guess I just feel so lucky that I have been blessed with 3 amazing little boys that I feel as if something will go wrong. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I worry about SIDS, I worry that he will choke, I worry about every little flinch is something mroe than a flinch. I worry. I don't sleep. Partly because I have a new baby that wakes up at 3 am and refuses to go back to sleep. Partly because I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I worry, I worry because I can't sleep.
I wish I could tie this up with some happy words of wisdom, a pearl of knowledge, but right now, I have no words, all I have is my struggle everyday to climb out of this canyon I have fallen into and the hope that by being so open about my struggles that someone else can start the climb out of their canyon.
I have so many people ask me daily "How are you feeling?" My standard reply is "ok" as I highly doubt anyone wants to hear about how sad I am, how tired, how scared. But I also know there is no shame in having PPD. SO I break the silence. Sure, plenty of women have babies and have no issues with postpartum, and they have no idea how lucky they are. I wish upon wish that I could enjoy this time with my new baby, the last chance I have with being a new mom. I wish my day wasn't spent tearing up at the littlest thing, worring that something will happen to my lil man, being so tired that I can barely function. But that is my day.
I have such anxiety that my littlest man will leave me before his time, morbid as it may seem. I guess I just feel so lucky that I have been blessed with 3 amazing little boys that I feel as if something will go wrong. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I worry about SIDS, I worry that he will choke, I worry about every little flinch is something mroe than a flinch. I worry. I don't sleep. Partly because I have a new baby that wakes up at 3 am and refuses to go back to sleep. Partly because I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I worry, I worry because I can't sleep.
I wish I could tie this up with some happy words of wisdom, a pearl of knowledge, but right now, I have no words, all I have is my struggle everyday to climb out of this canyon I have fallen into and the hope that by being so open about my struggles that someone else can start the climb out of their canyon.
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